I am in the first year of an MBA course. I have had a bad past, which haunts me even now. Due to this, I simply cannot concentrate on studies. To add to my problem, my family is not well-off. As a consequence, I have huge responsibilities . Is this career right for me or should I go into the army? Please help me out.

Name and address withheld

For god’s sake, leave the army alone. Why do you want to screw up the one thing no politician has screwed up in such a long time? You can either join the Trinamul or take Subhas Chakraborty’s place in the Bengal cabinet: both of these need some more insanity and terrible pedigree: both of which you have in abundance. Just leave the army alone. We have a relationship with Pakistan to protect, if you know what I mean!

Last year on my birthday, I got physical with my girlfriend. Due to my stupidity, a friend came to know about it and has been blackmailing me. He says if I do not allow him to have sex with my girlfriend, he will tell my parents. I’m very worried and can’t concentrate on studies. I keep wondering how my parents will react when they come to know about it. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Obviously, this person is not a friend and my suggestion would be to call his bluff. How bad can things possibly get and knowing you, you will live to celebrate another birthday: this time don’t invite ‘friends’ to watch. You are not lighting birthday candles, son, but instead making love. So its best done on a one-on-one basis. And by the way, does your girlfriend have a choice in the matter or is she a cake that you can have and eat too?

I am a 60-year-old man. I am attracted to my maidservant. Day in and day out I keep thinking about her. As a result, I have not been paying attention to my wife and children even when I am with them. I realise this is wrong but I can’t help it. What should I do?

Narendra, via e-mail

Simple. Tell her. And then seduce her. Though at 60 you should be worried about other things, my man. But then it is people like you who invent new HR techniques so why should I come in the way? How old is the maid though? 70?

I am a 12-year-old girl. I am badly addicted to chocolates. Though my mother keeps telling me they are bad for my teeth, I just can’t stop myself. What should I do?

Riya, via e-mail

Join ITC and convince Deveshwar to now also manufacture chocolates. They are doing almost everything apart from running the country so they might as well produce chocolates for you! Bingo!

I am a 19-year-old boy. My problem is that I don’t have any problem. There’s no adventure in my life. I am sick and tired of playing agony aunt to people. Now I want some of my own problems. What should I do?

Vinayak, via e-mail

Okay, you Dalai Lama junior, what I suggest is stand in the middle of the road and wait for a damn tram to hit you if excitement is all you seek. It is great fun watching the world go by when you are flat on your back with nowhere to go. That will be the perfect existence for you, you little complete twit!

I am a 20-year-old woman. My boyfriend has completed his MBBS. We are planning to get married soon. But he is forcing me to indulge in pre-marital sex. He feels that since we are going to get married soon, this is not wrong. However, I do not want to get into this before marriage and feel going ahead would be wrong at this juncture. Am I being biased or am I doing the right thing? Please help.

Name and address withheld

Do not allow him to have sex with you: these doctors cannot be trusted — especially who promise to marry girls after they have had sex with them. Doctors can be both Hippocratic as well as hypocrites if you know what I mean. Just do not play along with him. Tell him to seduce a stethoscope for all you care but do not lose your virginity to a promise!

I am a 20-year-old woman. Recently, I was sexually harassed by some of my seniors under the pretext of ragging. This incident has left me deeply traumatised and I just can’t get over it. I have always been against this kind of ragging. But I am scared of telling anyone. Do you think I should approach the college authorities?

Name and address withheld

College authorities? They will be the first ones to harass you, my child. Just ignore it as the perils of being pretty and 20 and get on with your life. I am sexually harassed everyday and if I don’t make a song and dance about it, why are you being so goddamn moralistic? Just enjoy college life, my dear and be done with it…

I am a 16-year-old girl. My board exams are approaching and my parents have huge expectations from me. But I am apprehensive about my performance and am unsure whether I will be able to fulfil their expectations. To make things worse, my mother keeps forcing me to study even during my free time. She does not even allow my friends to come over. This has become too much to handle. As a result, I am panic-stricken and cannot concentrate on studies. Please help me out.

Piya, via e-mail

Help in which way? Cut out this emotional crap and get on with your studies. Ignore your parents and do what you feel comfortable doing and all will be well. The worst thing that can happen is you will fail. You can always become a nurse if that does happen so why are you worried?

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, (Near Ganja Park)
Calcutta 700025,Ph: 24191174
E-mail:aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com

For free help on alcoholism, Contact: Volunteers on line Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432

Free, anonymous and confidential tele helpline service giving emotional support for people who are depressed, distressed or suicidal, Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally, P.- Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta — 700 101
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529 9856

Tele-counselling and face-to-face counselling on issues concerning relationships, sex education and free and confidential testing, counselling and information on HIV & AIDS

Contact: Counsellors on line Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.Mondays through Fridays

Kornash (The lifestyle management school)

139B Rashbehari Avenue, Calcutta — 700 029
Ph: 9830149919

Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.,
Mondays through Saturdays