Mini Mathur lets her cell phone rule her life. The young TV show host is completely dependent on it to help her stay connected with her family, get work from producers who call on her mobile phone and make plans with friends. “I’m connected 24X7 with my mobile and can’t live without it. I feel very insecure if it’s not at hand,” the perky Indian Idol host says.

But, there are times when Mathur completely hates her cell phone and wishes it to the end of the earth. The reason for these conflicting emotions have nothing Freudian about them, they are absolutely simple to understand once you know that Mathur is the mother of a year-old baby boy. “I hate my phone when it interferes with the time I spend with my son. Just as I’m settling down to playing with him, it has to ring. It completely destroys the mood and my son hates it as well. Sometimes, I want to throw it away when it rings in the morning and wakes him up,” says the irate mother.

Does this saga of a love-hate relationship remind you of something? Your home, you say. Ah, so you are another one of those cell phone slaves, are you? And you feel as if this instrument is dictating how you lead your life and intruding upon your time with your family? Well, unless you tie a rock around it and throw it into the river (which, of course, is ridiculous, for what would you do without your cell phone?) there’s no getting away from this instrument ? ironically, that’s also one of its USPs. But you can take heart from the fact that you are not alone in your simultaneous dependence on and loathing of the cell phone.

A new study done by the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee in the US and published in the Journal of Marriage and Family says that cell phones are interfering with family life more than ever before. The study, which followed more than 1,300 adults over two years, says cell phones are causing tensions within the family and creating more work-life spillover, which, de-jargonised, essentially means that your work and your home life continuously intrude upon each other. Not for nothing do they call it the electronic leash.

Ask Poornima K, a 39-year-old Ayurvedic practitioner and yoga therapist, whose feelings towards the cell phone are also somewhat ambivalent. “I don't know how I would get any work done without my cell, because most clients get in touch with me at this number,” she says, before adding through gritted teeth, “but sometimes I just want to throw it out of the window and get a life.”

The existential guide to cell phone behaviour • Before you pick up your phone to call someone, hold on. Does what you have to say qualify as important? Is there a chance the person you are calling could be busy? Would they live if you didn’t call right now to say there’s a HUGE sale on at Shoppers’ Stop? If there’s any doubt, DON’T CALL. • In case of doubt, it’s always better to send a text message than to call. This gives the other person the option to reply immediately, or later when they are free. If what you have to say can only be conveyed through talking, send an SMS to ask if he or she is free. • When you are out with friends or family, don’t keep texting while people are trying to talk to you. If you get a call, promise to call back if it’s nothing earth shattering. Don’t keep jabbering into your phone while your friends stop talking and look at each other, waiting for you to finish. Get up and go away if you have to take the call. • If you are taking calls in a public place, be discreet. Lower your voice — these people have come to watch the movie, not the drama in your life. • While making plans with friends, don’t depend on the mobile to make last minute changes or take for granted that everyone can be informed through their phones. Stick to your original plans as far as possible. • Don’t put the phone on loudspeaker while talking to someone — the other person may not be aware of this and could say something embarrassing.

Be it when she’s taking a walk in the morning, during the day when she’s conducting yoga classes or in the evening when she is helping her eight-year-old daughter with her homework, the cell phone never fails to remind her of its presence. “I resent it most when it spoils the time I’m spending with my daughter, be it watching cartoons with her or reading to her,” says Poornima. But, and this is important, she admits that she finds herself unable to switch it off or not take calls for some time. “I am almost superstitious about it. Even if it rings during my morning walk or when I’m driving, I feel compelled to at least see who’s calling,” she says ruefully.

That’s a story most of us can identify with. We are too dependent on the cell phone to help us in work or to enrich our social lives, says Dr G K Karanth, head of the sociology department of the Institute of Social and Economic Change in Bangalore. “The cell phone, in a very short time, has gone beyond being just an instrument of communication. It has become part of our being, an extension of our persona. I think the day is not far when we will grow another limb with the cell phone permanently attached to it,” he says, tongue-in- cheek. Maybe he’s exaggerating, but only a bit. He explains, “We don’t know how to be alone any more. Whatever we are doing, half our attention is always on the cell.”

Whatever its effect on any other aspect of our lives, this inattention, needless to say, can be disastrous for marriages. “Building a home needs attention and time. Marriage is not something you can do on the side. If one partner is distracted by calls and SMSs all the time, obviously the other partner is going to resent it,” says Lata Jacob, a family counsellor. Jacob says she has met many couples whose marriage is going through a rocky phase, and one thing that comes up again and again is the cell phone. “It would be an exaggeration to say that marriages are breaking up because of the intrusion of cell phones, but they are definitely contributing towards driving a wedge between couples,” says Jacob.

But the breaking up of some marriages does have a more direct connection with the cell phone. Explains Dr Ali Khwaja, who runs counselling centre Banjara Academy in Bangalore, “Cell phones encourage us to be indiscreet. They also give complete freedom to engage in whatever relationship we are looking for.” Extra-marital affairs, for instance, become easier to conduct ? but it’s just as easy for a spouse to find out about them, through the call register facility or incriminating SMSs. Khwaja can quote dozens of cases he’s come across where this has happened.

While a spouse spending too much time on the phone can be resented, well-meaning attempts to curb this could also backfire. “If one of the partners tries to control the other’s cell phone behaviour, this can be seen as infringement of personal freedom, and lead to more friction,” says Khwaja.

It’s not just marriages that cell phones intrude into. Is there anything ruder than people who nod absent-mindedly at you while you’re talking to them and SMS away furiously? Or friends who go out with you for lunch and keep picking up the phone every two seconds to check if there’s been an SMS or a missed call? “I’ve stopped going out with a girlfriend of mine who barely listens to what I’m saying because she’s so engrossed in her cell phone. I wonder who she SMSs, because at this rate, I don’t think she has any friends left,” wonders 24-year-old Kavya Kumar. “It’s just so rude!”

Celeb speak Reema Sen, actress • My mom always tells me that whenever I’m at home, I am continuously talking on my cell. It does break your mood when the phone rings when you are spending time with your family or friends. Most importantly, you are traceable wherever you are, whether you are with your boyfriend or at a party. The best way to avoid it is by switching it off, but we can hardly do this. Prasad Bidapa, stylist and event manager • Although I am completely dependent on the cell phone to co-ordinate my work life and social life, I must confess that it gets on my nerves at time with its incessant ringing. So, once a month, I make it a point to head out to a place where there is no network. This is the only way that I can spend two days in complete peace. Mini Mathur, television host • Those innumerable calls from banks and agencies really irritate me. They don’t understand the situation you are in. They bother you with all kinds of offers for loans and credit cards when you are probably busy in a serious meeting. Your domestic life is also bound to spill over into your professional life via the cell phone.

“It’s not rude behaviour, really. These people can’t help it. It’s become a compulsive response and a repetitive pattern, like women patting their hair or men straightening their ties, to check your phone every 10 seconds,” says Karanth. Agrees event manager and self-confessed cell phone addict Prasad Bidapa, “Cell phones are the new drug of choice. Of course, I’m just as bad as the other person, being addicted to texting.”

According to Khwaja, this compulsive behaviour stems from a constant search for something more exciting, and the expectation that the person calling or SMSing you may have that to offer. “It’s like taking it for granted that your family or spouse or friend have nothing new to offer and not even making the effort to connect with them,” he says.

What about some ‘me’ time? Most people concede that a cell phone is a major irritant when all you want to do is curl up on the sofa and shed sentimental tears over When Harry Met Sally for the 17th time. Or when you’re watching a film at a theatre and the phone rings just before the final shocking revelation ? and you get thoroughly frowned at by all around. “The cell phone has cut down on our satisfaction from and enjoyment of the most basic activities ? watching a film, talking to friends, reading,” says Karanth.

Work suffers as well. How many times have you had your concentration broken at work by a call about something trivial and unimportant? “The cell is always ringing about minute issues. When your son calls you at work, it may not be to say that he aced his English test but that the ‘microwave exploded’,” explains Noelle Chesley, assistant professor of sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and the author of the study.

It’s the easy access that the cell phone allows, along with its individual ownership, which encourages people to call you about matters that can easily wait. “Earlier, we had only a landline phone at home, that used to be shared by so many people. As such, people would think twice about making a call about personal or professional issues unless it was really urgent. But now, people know that the cell is always by your side and they too have theirs at hand, so they don’t hesitate to make the call,” reasons Poornima.

So what is the solution, if there is any? Consciously avoiding complete cell phone dependence, for one. Designating times of the day when you are unreachable, for another, however drastic that may sound to today. “If there is any special time when I don’t want to be disturbed, I always communicate in advance to my colleagues that I should not be disturbed unless there’s an emergency,” says Tarun Hukku, HR head of IT firm Microland. “I also request colleagues to send me an SMS instead of calling as it helps me understand the urgency of the situation and then I can decide whether to call back immediately or later. If I’m on leave, I also scheduled time with key people in my team for calls. For example, I definitely talk to them twice a day to get updates and discuss urgent issues. This works well,” Hukku adds.

Above all, for all those who see the cell phone as some sort of umbilical cord connecting them to life, it would help to remember that they did manage to live, and reasonably well, five years back before cell phones became as ubiquitous as they are today. Absurd as it sounds, such a time did exist, you know.

Illustration by Suman Choudhury