Dear readers: Recently, Chicago celebrated its very first Social Media Week, and I had the misfortune (I kid) to interview famously pugnacious New York Times best-selling author Tucker Max. In addition to selling millions of so-called “dead-tree” books, Max has 1,69,735 Twitter followers and nearly a half-million Facebook fans (including fan groups called “Tucker Max is My Idol”, “Tucker Max is The Man!” and “WWTMD — What Would Tucker Max Do?”). Not bad for a dude who says things like “There’s a lot more to me than sex or drinking, but who gives a s---?”

Max has a unique perspective on social media: He’s out there, upfront, controversial — and if anyone’s followed his Twitter feed, wildly inappropriate. One of his least offensive tweets of the past three months: “The main reason I check Twitter everyday is b/c I don’t wanna miss the meltdown when Justin Bieber finally admits he’s gay.”

But behind that inflammatory rhetoric lies a highly disciplined master of social media (Max originally wanted to call the event “Tucker Max Explains Social Media: You’re Doing It Wrong, A-------”) with a tightly controlled message. As Max says of my accusation that he’s “inappropriate”: “Inappropriate for who? That’s the whole point of social media: Choose your audience. My tweets are wholly appropriate for my followers!”

Indeed. So without further ado, enjoy a bit of patented Tucker Max wisdom, edited, condensed and duly bleeped for your reading pleasure:

Normal People: Worrying about your “Personal Brand” is Ridiculous

“I have a job: I’m an entertainer. It’s not about being a brand: I just am who I am. But I edit out the boring parts in public. You have to understand that Twitter and Facebook are a representation of you — they are entertainment to your fans and you’re not just posting to your friends. A personal brand is relevant to people who sell or create something relevant to who they are as a person. If you’re not in that boat — which most people are not — personal branding makes no sense.”

Companies: Stop Being “Full of S---” Robots

“I think there’s a fundamental sort of problem when you talk about social media in a corporate setting, because the way social media works — whether it’s Twitter or Facebook — for it to be effective at all, it rests on the assumption of authenticity and real meaning. I went to the University of Chicago. Here’s what they teach you in Econ there: incentives matter. Social media for the majority of companies is not about helping customers or improving products. It’s about pleasing bosses, selling s--- and not being offensive.

“I think it’s almost impossible to be authentic and meaningful from a corporate sense. What can GM’s Twitter (feed) say that’s authentic? Most corporations don’t need Twitter. Social media exposes lies; it shines a light on you. For the most part, corporate America is about selling us s--- we don’t need. In 2011, we’ve all seen behind the curtain and know its bulls---. Pull the curtain back and say, ‘Hey! We’re trying to sell you a car!’ Actually interact with people like they’re human beings. Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another.

“How many CEOs do you follow? They’re all full of s---. All trying to sell you something. Why would you follow them?!”

Online Pontificators: Quit Self-Promoting and Get a Diary

“Everything you say (online), think, ‘How does this impact my audience?’ The question you should ask is, ‘Why do they care?’ If you’re not offering value, then what are you doing? Then it’s just a metaphysical brothel for your emotions. Writing as therapy is great. It’s called a diary. You don’t need to publish that s---. When I pimp my s--- without adding value, I lose more (followers) than I gain. But when I put something funny up, I gain more followers by a factor of 10.

“I think 20th century media were about tricking people — and the beauty of the Internet is you can’t lie anymore. People can check your bulls---. Most corporations haven’t figured this out yet. The few that get it are stars. But what do I know? I’m just an a------!”

Julia Allison is a veteran columnist, TV personality and public speaker. Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.