LOCKED IN LUST: A still from the 2005 film I Am a Sex Addict

As an opening line, it had its moments. “I’m Vivek B. I’m a sexaholic,” he said. The small group of people took it in its stride. “Hi, Vivek,” they chorused. The confession was made in the compound of South Delhi’s Masigarh Church — not to the priest, but to a group that understood Vivek’s compulsions. A few had been there themselves. It was a meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) — India’s first affiliate of its parent group spread across the globe.

To an outsider, Vivek could pass off for a dutiful, middle-aged father. The caller tune on his mobile chants a mantra. He does not smoke or drink. But he is what SA terms a sex drunk — one who can no longer tolerate lust, but cannot stop either.

“A sexaholic is one whose sexual desires are uncontrollable, needs are unquenchable and behaviour is compulsive,” says Dr Prakash Kothari, Mumbai’s veteran sexologist. Until two years ago, when the SA group was started in Delhi by an American SA member, John B., seeking solutions to a sexual addiction — by airing them to strangers — was unheard of. But SA, which is a spiritual programme based on the principles and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, believes that healing from a compulsive sexual behaviour happens through admitting and sharing — especially the darkest of secrets.

Sex addiction, experts hold, is a serious matter. “The problem lies between the eyes of the addict and not between the legs,” says Kothari. The problem is largely a pathological one, caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, he says. And it can hit both men and women.

Aruna, a 43-year-old engineer in Delhi, knows that; she has been battling a sex addiction for about two decades. She doesn’t attend the SA meetings, but logs on to the website of sex and love addicts anonymous. The comfort of anonymity suits her fine. “I’m uncomfortable sharing in a group of men as they get pleasure from stories about sex,” she says. But with supportive group members, Aruna says she’s come a long way. “Until three years ago, it did not take much for a man to take me to bed,” she says.

Nowadays, she has a regular boyfriend — and finds that the mutual need is more for caring and sharing than bedding.

“Sex seemed the perfect painkiller when my husband, an alcoholic, walked out on me and our daughter. It made me feel good for a while. It gave me a feeling of accomplishment and power. When I was having sex, I did not feel worthless,” she says. “There was a void in my life I was trying to fill. I had very low self esteem.”

She had her first boyfriend at 20, beginning an unending episode of sexual escapades. “I needed to be different and defy middle class bondages,” says this petite, attractive woman who is also a recovering alcohol and drug addict.

In quite a few cases, substance abuse goes hand in hand with sexual excesses. During his college days, Vivek says drugs and sex became his staple diet. “I changed girls like I changed watches — one a week and 72 in a single year,” he recalls lightheartedly.

Experts say most sex addicts have a troubled childhood or adolescence. Vivek says he was molested by a domestic help when he was four, and later by older female cousins. Alex, an IT professional in Bangalore, also recalls being sexually abused by a maidservant when he was four. The scars, they say, don’t fade easily. Today Alex finds it difficult to hug his children. “I don’t want my children to come close to me, as I’m afraid I might enact my own childhood abuse, even though I have no sexual feelings for them.”

Often, the victim becomes a perpetrator of sexual attacks. Alex, for instance, raped his sister as a teenager. The sister later committed suicide.

Dr Paras Shah, a sexologist in Ahmedabad who has treated sexaholics, says he has had cases where people have confessed to molesting infants. “They could see even their family members as sex objects,” he adds.

The troubled men and women face difficulties leading a normal domestic life. At home, Vivek says he avoids physical contact with his 21-year-old daughter, though he won’t say why. “I don’t even touch or sleep with my wife when my daughter is in the house,” he says.

The SA recommends abstinence, as in the case of alcoholism or other addictions, to deal with sexual overindulgence, except when it is with a spouse. There are some other rules that sexaholics follow to curb temptation. Aruna says her triggers are erotic songs and movies, and she tries to avoid those. She is careful of the way she behaves with her colleagues, but many still see her as promiscuous. “I don’t know if I send them signals unconsciously,” she adds.

Temptations, of course, abound. What follows is a struggle. “It’s usually a fight or flight situation,” she says. Sometimes she shares her dilemma with her 16-year-old daughter. “She knows about my current boyfriend. She asks me if I have a crush on him,” laughs Aruna.

Aruna’s daughter assumes all is well with her mother, now that she is off drinks and drugs. “But I tell her that I still have an addictive personality, something that she does not understand,” says Aruna. An addictive or obsessive personality also means that Aruna’s work suffers, when she is in a relationship. “I can focus only on one thing at a time,” she says.

Having played the field all these years, Aruna says she is tired of relationships of convenience. “I feel a strong need for sharing and caring, but I’m afraid to surrender to a man, for fear of being hurt.” She finds that men are unwilling to have a long-term relationship with her. Even her current boyfriend, who is six years her junior, is not ready yet to take her home to his family. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association says a sexaholic is a person who cannot resist impulses to engage in extreme acts of lewd sex, and spends an inordinate amount of time in obtaining sex, being sexual or recovering from sexual experiences.

The experts say that addicts suffer in their normal lives when they carry their addiction too far. “They may start withdrawing from family life to pursue sexual activity. Addicts risk money, marriage, family and career in order to satisfy their sexual desires,” says the manual.

Baljeet S., an interior designer in Delhi, knows all that, but still can’t stop himself. “Every evening I sit for a couple of hours in a cafeteria in Bengali market near Connaught place — watching and lusting after girls from a nearby college,” says the married man. He seeks sexual gratification from anybody — sometimes even from men. When gratification is difficult to come by, Baljeet binges on food. Alex, on the other hand, turns to religion. “I would have been dead a long time ago, but there must be a reason for God to keep me alive,” he says.

Alex’s faith keeps him going. For the others, life is not quite a bed of roses.

(Some names have been changed to protect the identity of the persons concerned)