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| BROUGHT LOW: Vijay Mallya |
2012: The year that was
My Lords, Ladies, gentlemen, members of Parliament, self-styled community leaders, parents, boys and girls, a very warm welcome to our traditional end of term school prize giving. But first a word to set our cricket results in some sort of context in what has been a challenging year. It’s true the first XI lost 8-0 on tour and 2-1 at home but with so many of our best sixth formers leaving school last year, a period of adjustment is inevitable. In the reassuring words of our captain for life, “we only needed to get more runs and take more wickets and we would have won”.
We were very happy we participated in the global schools’ meet in summer. It’s true we won not one gold, but this school believes it is not the winning that matters so much as the ability to go on losing with good sportsmanship. In hockey, had we scored more goals than the opposition we would have won.
Many towering figures from public life were very keen to attend our prize-giving but have sent last minute regrets.
“So very sorry at not being able to come,” Mamata has apologised. “But on behalf of peoples, I have to lead a demonstration against the West Bengal government. Cause to be announced later.”
Sourav has regretted, too: “Sorry, I am busy telling Sachin it’s his call.”
Narendrabhai cannot make it either: “The British High Commission in Delhi wants me to pay a state visit. The High Commissioner says humble pie is on the menu but I am not sure if this is vegetarian.”
Pratibha has intimated: “My relatives are no longer covered by government expenses.”
Mr Mallya tweets: “Tried but cannot get a booking.”
We thought we would go for youth and invite Aaradhya Bachchan but her parents have sent an SMS: “We would like our daughter to have a normal childhood. We think one is far too young to be exposed to paparazzi. But do try again next year. But it’s best to come via her agent. She will be on the same rates as Romeo Beckham and Madonna’s daughter Lourdes.”
Anyway, it is the thought that counts. I’m sure they are all here in spirit. Therefore, without further ado, the moment you have all been waiting for: on to the glittering prizes.
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| Good learner: Srichand Hinduja in St James’s Park |
The Mark Tully Indo-British amity award
To former finance minister Pranab Mukherjee for declaring diplomatically that India does not need UK aid: “It is a peanut in our total development expenditure.”
This had the Daily Mail frothing at the mouth: “To Mr Mukherjee, the £1billion we’ve given to India over the past five years, with hundreds of millions more promised by 2015, may be ‘a peanut’. But to hard-pressed British families in a Britain crippled by debt, our ring-fenced aid budget is a massive and growing affront.
Special honorarium from the British Chancellor of the Exchequer
To Srichand Hinduja, 77, multi-billionaire chairman of the Hinduja empire, who says he has learnt investment banking from feeding squirrels in St James’s Park in London: “If you give two nuts to a squirrel, it will eat one and bury the other one for a rainy day — it is never greedy.”
The N. Modi lifetime achievement award
To the Indian ambassador in Switzerland, Chitra Narayanan, daughter of late Indian President, K.R. Narayanan. She has served four years as ambassador, received two extensions, overstayed her welcome, messed up India’s diplomatic service and refuses to budge from Berne. This is on the perfectly reasonable grounds that “I like it here in the land of Swiss bank accounts, the money is good, the residence is elegant and I’ve got friends in Delhi to pull strings for me — also I am an oppressed woman!
The Norman Tebbit scholarship for being more loyal than the king
To Monty Panesar for spinning England to victory in the Mumbai Test by taking 11 Indian wickets for 210.
The Indian high commission’s persistent self-promotion prize
Considered by the Indian High Commission to be “India’s most irritating woman”, this prize is the personal preserve of condolence queen and ambulance chaser Shahnaz Hussain. When celebrities pass away, she bombards journalists with photos of herself with the dear departed along with everything you didn’t want to know about her qualifications and beauty products. Example One: “Attached is Late M.F. Husain’s picture with Ms Shahnaz Husain.... Request you to make it part of your esteemed publication.” Example two: “Find a write-up and picture wherein Ms Shahnaz Husain shares her memory of receiving the Udyog Jyoti Award for her contribution to India’s economic development in 1992 from late Rajesh Khanna. We would appreciate your featuring this.”
White man speak with forked tongue award
To David Cameron who said at the Conservative Friends of India launch that a bat signed by Sachin Tendulkar “is probably the most valuable possession I have”.
The prime minister undermined his chances of retaining the crucial support of Indian origin voters at the next election when The Daily Telegraph revealed that only two weeks later, he sold the bat at an auction for £3,400.
The Cliff Richard CD token for musical genius
To Arnold George Dorsey, 76, who came second from bottom in the 2012 Eurovision song contest with his pleasant ballad, Love Will Set You Free. He got 12 points for Great Britain, compared with 372 for Sweden, the winner. The Madras-born Anglo-Indian singer is better known as Engelbert Humperdinck.
The Saif-Gadaffi stipend for academic excellence
Initially awarded to Karan Johar, who was invited by the London School of Economics to give a keynote speech about India’s “Student of the Year”. The invitation was withdrawn when it was discovered that Varun Dhawan, Sidharth Malhotra and Alia Bhatt were not strictly students as that word is understood at the LSE.
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| HELLO INDIA: Boris Johnson with Kaj |
Headmaster’s prize
Runners up MP Keith Vaz and Higgs hunter Tejinder Virdee receive commendations plus the collected works of Subhash Ghai. However, Boris Johnson bags this most coveted of prizes but not for being mayor of London or his successful management of the 2012 Olympics or even having the foresight to marry a girl with Indian relatives (so he could save on hotel bills on trips on India). It goes for the speed with which he has learnt about the order of precedence in India. On a flight from Hyderabad to Mumbai he cheerfully accepted he couldn’t be upgraded from economy because all business class seats had been bagged by Kajol, her hairdresser, her luggage minder and other indispensable members of her entourage.