Roll of ‘honour’ for the year that was

Unfortunately Mr Narendra Modi cannot be with us today but the following message was couriered to us a few moments ago from Vibrant Gujarat House in Wembley: “Dear boys and girls, I had fully intended to accept your headmaster’s invitation to be guest of honour at your annual Speech Day but, alas, circumstances plus the lack of a visa keep me here. Your Motherland takes great pride in all that your school has achieved over the past 12 months, especially winning the SRK Hockey Trophy. Of course, my parents could send me only to the local pathshala, not a posh school like yours. Even so, I shall never forget the wise words of our sports master cum purohit, who lit the path ahead for us, often literally. ‘The biggest lesson in life is to realise that a hockey stick doubles as an offensive weapon.’ Next year, I shall personally bring my message of peace and reconciliation.”

In the absence of Mr Modi, I am relieved that an old boy, Lakshmi Mittal, has kindly consented to do the honours. Though he came to us only in the sixth form, his time here was so happy that he has just acquired a 20 per cent shareholding in the school. He believes that all schools in London should be consolidated into one.

Before the prizes there are a few housekeeping announcements. The drinks trolley in the senior common room will in future be managed by another old boy, Vijay Mallya. Yet another upwardly mobile former pupil, Arun Sarin, has promised to fix our antiquated switchboard. Our caretaker, Mr Ratan Tata, is henceforth to look after matron’s pet jaguar following her mysterious disappearance.

This year, we have instituted a new prize, the Narendra Modi Lifetime Achievement Award, which goes to a literary master who has taught us that it is best to kick a man when he is down, or, better still, dead.

The winner is V.S. Naipaul for his seminal treatise, A Writer’s People: Ways of Looking and Feeling and Sticking the Knife In.

The award carries with it a week’s stay at the Sardar Patel Stadium in Gandhinagar, inclusive of vegetarian food.

Boys and girls, please come up in an orderly fashion as your names are announced:

The Meghnad Desai Prize for Outstanding Scholarship:

As a prefect, her achievements this year have been many, from seeing off the bullies from the comprehensive next door to dancing in the school musical, but her Nobel Prize winning academic qualities were recognised with the award of an Honorary Doctor of Arts from Leeds Metropolitan University. Richard Gere has come specially to help Lakshmi hand this prize to Shilpa Shetty, who also gets a generous appearance fee for being so kind as to turn up in person. Her great ambition, I am told, is to become an actress.

The Princess Diana Memorial for Best Dressed “Chick”:

“Chick” is not a word headmasters normally use when discussing their sixth form pupils, however provocatively attired. But against my better judgement, I have been prevailed upon by the School Photographic Society to be “cool” and give the prize to Bangladesh babe Konnie Huq(picture right) for displaying her charms at the premiere of Spider-Man III.

The Hello! Magazine New Bahu Prize:

Worth £1 million, Liz Hurley is the winner — when she and Arun Nayar tied the knot at their Hindu wedding in Jodhpur, she had her father-in-law, Vinod Nayar, stripped of his “Access All Areas” pass. This was on the grounds he was papping Liz who had signed an exclusive contract with Hello!

The Dev Anand Essay of the Year:

Vinita Ramchandani’s essay, Romancing with Raj Kundra, was truly memorable as she recalls her former classmate, Shilpa Shetty: “Shilpa was a very average looking teenager. Hairy and lanky, she wasn’t pretty, she was just average looking, there were prettier looking girls in the school, definitely. No, the boys weren’t very interested in Shilpa at that point in time.”

The Richard Branson Travel Bursary:

This is bagged by British Airways, which managed to misplace six of Shilpa’s 10 suitcases when she was travelling light.

The Sir Salman Rushdie Book of the Year:

This is shared by an author and a reader. After finishing all 900 pages of Sacred Games by Vikram Chandra, the vice-chancellor of Oxford University, Lord (Chris) Patten, asked: “Why are Indian novels so long?”

Were they paid per adjective, he wondered.

The Madhur Jaffrey Recipe of the Year:

Seasoned politician Keith Vaz has created a sensation with Shilpa’s Delight. The recipe, which he has perfected in the House of Commons kitchen, can now be revealed: take a frozen chicken, microwave it for five minutes, perhaps a little less, and serve, preferably to Shilpa’s and several footballers’ best friend, model Danielle Lloyd.

Hugh Grant Monopoly Award:

To Jemima Khan for getting Imran Khan out of jail.

The Swraj Paul Business Moment of the Year:

No greater honour has befallen the London Stock Exchange in its 300-year history than when the world’s smartest finance minister, P. Chidambaram, pressed the bell at 8 am sharp on February 4 to signal the start of trading. He gets a bottle of Shilpa’s perfume, S2. .P. Bhatt, State Bank of India chairman, who followed in Mr Chidambaram’s hallowed footsteps on October 16, collects the consolation prize — two bottles of Shilpa’s perfume.

The Jugmohun Mundhra Prize for Most Improved Sixth Former:

Jessica Hines had to write and rewrite her manuscript of Looking for the Big B numerous times until it was just right — for the Big B. Jessica’s reward is a trip to Madame Tussaud’s for an exclusive interview with SRK’s waxwork model which is not demanding copy approval before publication.

Headmaster’s Prize:

This year there was only one deserving candidate for the much coveted Headmaster’s Prize though it is going for the first time, not to a pupil, but to a member of staff. Some parents had reservations about being charged an entry fee for Speech Day but that is the new policy laid down by our head of accounts who has turned us overnight into a very rich school.

But then Shilpa’s mother, Sunanda Shetty (picture left, centre), our runaway winner this year, is a remarkable lady. She has seen off Jazz Barton, her daughter’s agent who wasn’t an agent, Max Clifford, the PR supremo who abruptly stopped being Shilpa’s PR supremo, and got Shilpa more column inches than any other Indian in UK tabloid history. She is a mother in a million.