Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
Blah-blah comic, have you any jokes?
No sir, no sir, angry folks.
Facts or fun — this ain’t the time,
Comedy’s a national crime.
India has arrived at a crossroads. You are either with the jokes or with the jokers. After all, it is no laughing matter when Vishwaguru becomes the laughing stock of a corrupted habitat.
Meanwhile, authorities in Maharashtra have asked all regional cable TV operators to stop broadcasting Baadshah and 1942: A Love Story until further notice. For his part, an incensed Abhijeet Bhattacharya has called out Kunal Kamra for “stealing my song and singing it out of tune”. As for those who betrayed their civilisation by attending Kamra’s show in Mumbai, their Aadhaar cards have been delinked from their mobile numbers with immediate effect.
Elsewhere, Samay Raina agrees to spend a fortnight with Sadhguru to cleanse his soul and understand how to bounce back from scandals.
Wondering what else happened as anxious family members asked you to delete your BookMyShow history? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 24
According to the Economist’s beat on world leaders’ inner voices, Recep Tayyip Erdogan is ruing not arresting Istanbul’s mayor during a freezing winter Getty Images
- As protests envelop Turkey, President Recep Tayyip Erdogan finds that years of geopolitical situationships have given him no enemies to blame the protests on nor any friends to ask for help in quelling them.
- Following the news of US officials discussing foreign policy on Signal, dozens of middle-class Americans, ranging from baseball coaches to McDonald’s managers to MAGA hatmakers, get added to a variety of online groups on the government’s more trusted platform of iMessage. Some of them include — a group with Melania Trump and 33 divorce lawyers, a group involving all of Elon Musk’s kids, a group that has J.D. Vance and his Indian relatives, and a group where Donald Trump posts his golf scores and reacts to them himself.
March 25
Inspired by ‘Chhaava’, all new history books in India will preface Aurangzeb with the title of the ‘Great Tyrant’
- The Centre has announced that it will organise monthly get-togethers of thought leaders in India to promote the idea of “One Nation, One Culture”. The first of these meetings is an invitation to all Indian scholars working on Maratha and/or Mughal history for a special screening of Chhaava.
- The BBC’s iconic interview programme, HARDtalk, hosted by Stephen Sackur (a better dressed Karan Thapar with a milder British accent), is coming to an abrupt end. A statement by the broadcaster reads that “166 customer surveys show that our global audience would be more interested in SMALLtalk, a show where a British hunk quizzes pedestrians in London about the weather”.
March 26
Both Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini will soon return to furthering the growth of the beautiful game by acting as special football consultants for Saudi Arabia Getty Images
- Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini, football’s finest passers of the buck, have been cleared of all corruption charges by a judge who happens to be a fan of Juventus as well as Swiss banking.
- An in-depth report by Financial Crimes reveals how North Korean crypto hackers have assumed such a vital place in the country’s economy that they presently contribute one-third of the budget of Kim Jong Un’s monthly diet.
March 27
“I don’t think men in Hollywood attain emotional maturity before 60,” quips Ana de Armas Getty Images
- Ana de Armas, who is carrying out a social experiment by dating Hollywood actors across all decades of their adult lives, opens up on her equation with Tom Cruise: “What sealed things was Tom telling me that he fell harder for me than he did on the sets of Mission Impossible.”
- Addressing controversies about the age difference with Salman Khan, Sikandar’s leading lady, Rashmika Mandanna, says: “I’m closing in on 30. I’m grateful to not have been cast as Salman sir’s mother.”
March 28
Rishabh Pant has apparently been asked to consult with his team owner before facing each ball for tips on which part of his body should hit the ground Getty Images
- In the latest game-changing innovation in the Indian Preposterous League (IPL), captains will have a hotline (through an earpiece) with their team owners during the game to receive strategic breakthroughs as well as expletives. So far, only the Lucknow Sulking Giants (LSG) have expressed interest to use this feature, leading Rishabh Pant to practise censoring his subconscious mind.
- Considering how the ball is travelling during the early stages of this IPL, five different MNCs have submitted bids to advertise their logos on the match ball.