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Lalit Modi, Mark Carney and Kareena Kapoor Khan headline the week that should have been

My Kolkata looks at how the past seven days transpired in a parallel universe, tongue permanently in cheek

(L-R) Lalit Modi’s passport cancellation, Mark Carney’s first move, Kareena Kapoor Khan’s chat with Shahid Kapoor, and more in this week’s satirical wrap-up Getty Images

Priyam Marik
Published 15.03.25, 02:27 PM

Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.

Starlink is set to launch in India with Elon Musk realising that it is far more profitable to help Indian uncles wish each other good morning than save the lives of woke soldiers in Ukraine. With Airtel and Jio desperate to partner with Starlink, Musk announces that he will collaborate with whichever company’s leadership owns more Teslas. However, Musk remains mum on whether Starlink will roll out a special service for select Indian men (with deep pockets and hollow hearts) to finetune the geo-tracking of their wives and daughters.

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Meanwhile, Starlink’s least demanding client, the US government, which has withdrawn funding from Ukraine until it accepts that Russia’s invasion was strictly pre-emptive, is looking for fresh adventures abroad. Among the early contenders are countries guilty of not having a single McDonald’s outlet.

Elsewhere, the White House issues a “mind blowingly lucrative challenge” to developers to design the ongoing Gaza conflict as a video game so that American policymakers do not have to endure text-only briefs.

Wondering what else happened as you followed your manager on LinkedIn just in time for appraisal season? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

March 10

Lalit Modi has accused Vanuatu of being racist and taking bribes only from white billionaires Getty Images

March 11

“Donald Trump has convinced Canadians that our greatest threat aren’t people setting up kebab shops,” says Mark Carney Getty Images

March 12

The iPhone 16e is so cheap that lower middle-class households no longer need to contemplate organ donation to purchase it Getty Images

March 13

“I don’t know if it will happen… but god willing… Shahid and I may end up doing a podcast together soon,” shares Kareena Kapoor Khan Getty Images

March 14

Vendors selling green colour will need to seek prior police permission in five different states across India Getty Images

Satire Kareena Kapoor Khan Lalit Modi Holi 2025 Mark Carney IPhone
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