Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
The greatest example of Make in India is back for its 18th instalment as the Indian Paisawasool League (IPL) once again brings local economies to a standstill every evening for the next two months. Rumours are rife about foreign players being banned from next year if they don’t contribute at least Rs 1 crore to the PM Air Fares Fund. Indian viewers, though, don’t have to pay anything to enjoy the action as JioHotstar is providing free access to all IPL games along with mini montages of how India’s first family is transforming the country every three overs.
Meanwhile, different teams are adopting different strategies to ensure they go viral on Instagram. The Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR), heeding the advice of their assistant astrologer, will be visiting Kalighat every fortnight and sharing suggestions for what their lucky mascot, Ananya Panday, should wear for every home game. The Royal Challengers Bengaluru (RCB), equally superstitious, have requested every player to copy Virat Kohli’s hairdo but not his strike rate. As for the Mumbai Indians (MI), a squad full of big egos will be planning regular retreats to Vantara to understand how gladiators can co-exist to make billionaires happy.
Elsewhere, Chennai’s MA Chidambaram Stadium has rejected the BCCI’s mandate of only playing Bollywood songs during IPL matches. The Tamil Nadu Thalas Association has declared that Hindi broadcasters will not receive a separate press box at its ground anymore.
Wondering what else happened as you finally resolved to become a millionaire through fantasy cricket? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 17
“I’ve been asked by Mr President’s team to present him with a proposal for a golf course in space,” sighs a fatigued Sunita Williams Wikimedia Commons
- Sunita Williams requests an immediate return to space after being told that her first engagement upon arriving on Earth would be to explain to Donald Trump how she groomed her hair in zero gravity.
- Following a 20-minute conversation with Elon Musk (with Trump sipping Coke in the background) about how Starlink can take KGB’s “monitoring activities” to the next level, Vladimir Putin agrees to pause his plans for assassinating Volodymyr Zelensky for two months.
March 18
Chinese AI platforms are being programmed to highlight Xinjiang as the world’s go-to destination for ethnic enlightenment Getty Images
- An insurgent China retaliates against years of stories of alleged mistreatment of Uighurs by releasing an in-depth report that celebrates the rise of inclusive employment. Titled “Re-Education 3.0”, the document shows how China’s AI start-ups are all paying above the minimum wage to hire talented Uighur minds as “information assessors” to erase Uighur history from AI databases.
- BYD launches a new set of EVs that can charge at 165 times the speed of a Tesla on listening to any speech from Xi Jinping.
March 19
To pay kids back for the “toxic impact” on his life, John Cena will soon be endorsing soft drinks Getty Images
- John Cena challenges “100 kids who have betrayed me since before they were born” to a one-on-100 handicap match, where Cena will fulfil “each of your pathetic wishes” to get slammed head-first on the mat by their former idol.
- Forever 21, one of the pioneers of making lazy design aspirational, declares bankruptcy for the second time, having accepted that most of its target audience is stuck with the bank balance of an average 21-year-old.
March 20
“Honestly, if I had things my way, I’d only retire from the national team after EA Sports FC gets all Indian players’ faces right,” admits Sunil Chhetri Getty Images
- With Prime Video not pleased with the first cut of its documentary on Sunil Chhetri, India’s most capped footballer returns to the national team in the hope that he can reach 100 goals for his country to give his film a fairytale ending.
- In an unpredictable revival of freedom of speech in India, media platforms tired of spending more on lawyers than journalists are publishing detailed criticisms of the Centre by citing Grok in their bylines.
March 21
“My dream is to take an Indian advertisement to the Oscars,” declares Aamir Khan Getty Images
- With his Dream11 ads proving to be more popular than Laal Singh Chaddha, Aamir Khan starts a production house that will focus solely on remaking famous Western commercials for the Indian market.
- Sourav Ganguly is set to continue his association with the Delhi Capitals (DC) in the IPL by taking up the role of chief acting mentor until 2027.