Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
Freedom of speech in India, much like Schrodinger’s cat, is both dead and alive. It is alive for those who can crack the following joke: “They [a euphemism for traitors] are multiplying at an alarming rate. Would you rather tolerate them all around you, stealing your jobs, houses and women? Or would you be one of them for a day and be rid of them forever?” Freedom of speech is dead for those who think this is just a joke.
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Manners has released a circular stating that comedy must be “regulated” in India just like women’s clothing, which is to say that comedians have to earn their family’s approval on new material before they can exhibit it in public. Even then, should any licentious material find its way outdoors and incite the baser instincts of the common man, the fault would lie solely with the comic for being the one to provoke.
Elsewhere, all Indian podcasters aiming to interview politicians will now have to pass a Bharatiya Sanskriti Pariksha, a written examination mostly containing questions about Indian epics.
Wondering what else happened as you asked your manager if they have ever read Article 19 of the Constitution of India? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
February 17
According to insider reports from ‘Russia Yesterday’, Vladimir Putin has rejected Donald Trump’s proposal of converting Donetsk into one giant casino Getty Images
- The bromance between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump faces its first significant test in years as Putin listens to Trump’s plan for rescuing Russia from Ukraine and tells his translator: “Donald, you must know the first rule of geopolitics — don’t bulls*it a bulls*itter.”
- A survey by Eat the Rich in the US finds an overwhelmingly positive correlation between the rank of a corporate employee and the number of Diet Coke cans they consume in a day.
February 18
Muhammad Yunus is running Bangladesh to the ground because his economic theories only work for Swedish thinkers, believes Sheikh Hasina Getty Images
- In her longest address since she somehow survived the 161st attempt on her life, Sheikh Hasina promises to “return to Bangladesh sooner than Muhammad Yunus’s models can predict”, as the beleaguered leader can “no longer tolerate poorly cooked hilsa in India”.
- DeepSeek, which has now officially been banned in more countries than pornography, introduces a new feature called Confucius, which provides a Chinese proverb as a silver bullet for all kinds of dating issues. Within a day of its release, Bengaluru therapists lose 23 per cent of their C-suite clientele.
February 19
Nita Ambani remains mum on rumours that her second son is currently shortlisting India’s Olympics mascot from among his vast collection at Vantara Getty Images
- In a wide-ranging interview, Nita Ambani reveals that the International Olympic Association (IOA) has privately assured the Ambani family of IOA’s confidence in India eventually hosting the Olympic Games because of the seamlessness with which the country pulled off the latest Ambani wedding.
- With the ICC Champions Trophy getting underway, visiting teams in Pakistan have been instructed by the ICC to not spend much time boosting Pakistan’s local economy, as it may have long-term implications on IPL contracts for their players.
February 20
In condemning ‘Mrs’, the AIAPU has called it “a more dangerous film than a BBC documentary on India”
- The All-India Association of Pot-bellied Uncles (AIAPU) has called for an immediate ban on Mrs, starring Sanya Malhotra, since “the film is making women in our family talk too much at the dinner table”.
- The Maha Mayhem Mela in Prayagraj enters the Guinness World Records for having the most number of open defecators at a public event, single-handedly pushing India’s aim of reaching net zero emissions to the 22nd century.
February 21
Thailand sees a surge of 723 per cent in travel bookings following the airing of the first episode of the third season of ‘The White Lotus’ TT archives
- Following internet outrage over a new theme song for its third season, the producers of The White Lotus have explained their decision to change the show’s original superhit theme: “We found that the tune has many similarities with a Wagnerian composition that used to be the favourite of you know who when he was planning you know what at you know where.”
- JioHotstar, whose present offering of content can be streamed non-stop for 87 years, announces its lineup of entertainment for the rest of 2025, which includes — six romantic flicks starring Khushi Kapoor and Aryan Khan, a 47-second indie offering by Anurag Kashyap, 18 Bollywood family documentaries, three feature-length advertisements by BCCI, and one behind-the-scenes film with footage derived exclusively from Karan Johar’s birthday parties.