Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
As the week of love (mandated by US Inc) draws to a close, romantic dissatisfaction is peaking among overqualified single women and emotionally stunted single men, with both groups struggling to find matches whose reading habits and toilet habits align with theirs. As for couples who are convinced of being soulmates, the litmus test of true love is holding a conversation for at least 30 minutes without touching each other’s primary pleasure point — the smartphone.
Meanwhile, research from Woke and Broke, a cosmopolitan think tank, catalogues the most common mistakes people make in love — falling for their crush’s ex(es), not looking up their partner’s LinkedIn search history, drinking too much coffee on dates (and then blaming infatuation for insomnia), identifying as an old-school romantic (with “old-school” ranging from Jane Austen to Yash Chopra), and underestimating the influence of their lover’s family astrologer.
Elsewhere, the AI Action Summit in Paris fails to arrive at a resolution as world leaders are unable to decide which LLM should be allowed to draft it.
Wondering what else happened as ChatGPT responded with “I don’t think I’m capable of that” to your V-Day proposal? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
February 10
“I’ve been told by a friend at the White House that I’m near the bottom of Donald Trump’s speed dial list, just above Melania Trump,” reveals Volodymyr Zelensky Getty Images
- In a lengthy interview to the Guardian, Ukraine’s Prime Mendicant Volodymyr Zelensky explains why his country cannot bank on Europe alone: “Nobody knows European Instagrammers. I myself can’t name more than four. Without US influencers, Ukraine will become a part of Russia and I’ll be forced to perform stand-up in gulags.”
- Donald Trump is reconsidering his exorbitant tariffs against Canada, Mexico and China on seeing everything from golf carts to golf clubs to caddies becoming more expensive.
February 11
Ranveer Allahbadia will only be interviewing vegetarians for the rest of the year in an attempt to “cleanse my mind, body and soul” TT archives
- India’s Got Lunatics will continue to reduce brain cells after Ranveer Allahbadia (Tequila Triceps) and Samay Raina issue 160 public apologies and promise to replace their sex jokes with communal ones for the upcoming episodes.
- The Indian Cricket Council (ICC) has warned the authorities in charge of the Dubai International Stadium, the venue for all of India’s ICC Champions Trophy group stage games, that the ground will lose its ICC status should India fail to cross 300 even once while batting first.
February 12
Kylian Mbappe and Erling Haaland seen discussing which highlights of Lamine Yamal to watch Getty Images
- Following a topsy-turvy UEFA Champions League encounter between Manchester City and Real Madrid, Erling Haaland and Kylian Mbappe spend an hour in each other’s company, silently studying the stats of Lamine Yamal.
- Meta lays off more than 30,000 people across geographies as a punishment for participating in a “forbidden survey” where every employee gets to rate the different looks of Mark Zuckerberg since the pandemic.
February 13
The NFL has paused plans for a simulcast during Kansas City Chief matches, where the screen would have been split between on-field action and Taylor Swift’s reaction in the stands Getty Images
- In another victory for anti-establishment billionaires, Taylor Swift is suing the NFL for broadcasting her face on TV and giant screens during the Super Bowl without paying for her image rights. “In defence of the rights of celebrity fans, I won’t be attending any football games unless the NFL pays me $100,000 for every second that my face appears on its cameras,” reads a statement from Swift.
- Ed Sheeran, who has requested Arijit Singh to personally plan his subsequent India tours, is set to write a sequel to Shape of You after being “mesmerised” by Murshidabad’s chhanabora.
February 14
“No matter what you like studying, history is the most important subject. You have to have a nose for it,” shares Deepika Padukone Getty Images
- As the latest guest on Pariksha Pe Charcha, the only TV Indian students are allowed to watch during exam season, Deepika Padukone stirs controversy with her comments about how academia is overrated and how “my career was almost finished the last time I went to university [in 2020]”.
- Notwithstanding unprompted questions by those jealous of a chumocracy, India’s Prime Tourist’s visit to the US is a roaring success, as he gets three different ideas for his next talk show during an hour-long interaction with Elon Musk’s kids.