Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
One week after the Budget, what exactly is the state of the Indian economy? According to the International Mismanagement Fund (IMF), “India’s economy is becoming bipolar — brimming with possibilities for NRIs, even as it is plagued by threats for locals.” For those with the luxury to speculate, our economy is also a matter of taste. If you prefer structures of concrete to those of flesh and blood, then India is on the highway to development. If not, then you’re an old-school anti-national.
Meanwhile, India tops the Forbes index of occupational dynamism and mobility, as an in-depth survey about the country’s gig economy reveals that more than a million Indians work (read ride) for Uber, Swiggy and Blinkit simultaneously. The same report finds that India has the highest number of freelancers in the world, with the best average earnings going to plumbers and carpenters.
Elsewhere, three ministers from the ruling party have suggested replacing MK Gandhi’s face with that of their favourite deity to reverse the fortunes of the rupee, which is presently enduring a long-distance relationship with the dollar.
Wondering what else happened as you regretted not stealing enough dollar coins from your US-based cousin? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
February 3
“Within two years, I’m going to make Gaza the number one holiday destination in the world,” claims Donald Trump Getty Images
- Following intense brainstorming over cheeseburgers and Coke, Donald Trump lays out his self-proclaimed “genius plan” for Gaza — the conversion of one of the world’s most ravaged territories into the next Las Vegas, complete with three Trump Towers, four casinos, two golf courses and nine luxury resorts. As for the people, Gaza’s most perishable resource, Trump plans to “force them into countries that don’t respect the United States”.
- With the war of intelligence heating up, Open AI declares that ChatGPT will soon be able to detect “a panoply of medical conditions and warn against underlying illnesses” based on the speed at which users type.
February 4
Cafes are projected to employ more people in West Bengal than the state government by the middle of 2026 TT archives
- The Bengal Goes Bragging Summit proves its power once again, as more than 80 Indian entrepreneurs resolve to open boutique cafes in Kolkata.
- Bryan Johnson, the man aiming to live until he can work out on Mars, leaves a podcast midway to fly out of Mumbai on being alerted by his smartwatch that any further time in India’s CO2 capital would shave off 159 minutes from his life span.
February 5
“I think I can play until my [eldest] son retires,” shares Cristiano Ronaldo, without any hint of a smile Getty Images
- Cristiano Ronaldo celebrates his 40th birthday with a grand gesture: “Having reached the midway point of my goal-scoring journey, I want to mark this occasion by gifting the latest CR7 underwear collection to every single goalkeeper I have scored against, including those in friendlies.”
- The Karnataka government has taken a crucial step towards implementing the right to die with dignity (passive euthanasia) after closely studying the heart-wrenching stories of more than a dozen Royal Challengers Bengaluru (RCB) fans.
February 6
To make matters simpler, SBI is debating whether Vijay Mallya can borrow directly from the RBI in the future Getty Images
- The Stale Bank of India (SBI) grants Vijay Mallya a fresh loan of Rs 300 crore to help him meet his legal expenses in his case against SBI for recovering more money from him than was originally owed.
- Data from The Crimes of India shows that a large section of Delhi’s middle class abstained from voting in the state elections because neither of the two frontrunners made any campaign promises about supporting dowry payments.
February 7
“The Kardashians are the Kapoors of America,” boasts Kareena Kapoor Khan as Netflix announces ‘Whining with the Kapoors’ Getty Images
- For only the second time in her career, Kareena Kapoor Khan agrees to audition, this time for a role in the new Netflix documentary, Whining with the Kapoors, which will only have 11 spots up for grabs.
- Emilia Perez becomes the first film in history to have a bigger social media budget than a filming one, as it aims to convince the internet that its titular lead, Karla Sofia Gascon, is suffering from Twitter Derangement Syndrome (TDS) and is currently in “tweet rehab”.