Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
Ahead of the most anticipated night in opening envelopes, all those in the running to win an Oscar have been told to not attend the ceremony should they not have at least one joke mocking Donald Trump in their potential victory speech. One man who will not be present at the gala is Sebastian Stan, banned for making a young Trump look too attractive in his film The Apprentice. Another twist in this year’s awards is the modification of the traditional Oscar statuette, where the sword (triggering for many) has been replaced with the more benign American symbol of the gun.
Meanwhile, Timothee Chalamet will be leading the MAGA (Make Acting Great Again) cause at showbiz’s greatest celebration by declaring his ambition to win the Nobel Peace Prize (before he turns 35) through the sheer force of his dimples. Chalamet, though, has been warned by The Academy of American Cultural Imperialism to be careful about the shape and length of his moustache lest it remind people of the greatest actor not born on American soil.
Elsewhere, Hasan Minhaj or Trevor Noah may be roped in at the last minute to replace Conan O’Brien as this year’s host for the Oscars, as Hulu, the event’s streaming partner, feels O’Brien’s chortles sound “too white”.
Wondering what else happened as you wished to nominate your ex-bestie for perfectly playing the role of a ghost? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
February 24
Volodymyr Zelensky is pondering whether he should get himself indicted by a Ukrainian court in order to strengthen his relationship with Donald Trump Getty Images
- Days after calling him a “dictator”, Donald Trump describes Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky as an “ego-centric, small-hearted schemer who breaks his own rules”, leading to cautious optimism in Kyiv that the US President may be warming up to Zelensky after all.
- The Alternative for Germany (AfD) consolidates its position in German politics without coming to power as nostalgic Germans decide to soft launch Nazism this time around.
February 25
According to a survey, CBSE students struggle to take important life decisions due to the long-standing impact of MCQ exams TT archives
- The Central Board of Societal Erosion (CBSE) announces two difficulty levels for senior school students — IAS and Instagram. Those choosing the former category will be asked to write essays and sit for interviews on subjects under science and social science whereas those in the latter category must make 30 to 45-second reels on the same.
- India’s most eloquent politician may no longer be in politics, since his party seems incapable of making optimal use of his vocabulary. A report from The Crimes of India suggests that the only man to make the British embarrassed about their own language has “several options”, including dictating 18 new books to his team of 162 unpaid interns.
February 26
More than 20,000 men in the US alone have admitted to watering their garden by deploying the ‘Triple H technique’ Getty Images
- WWE icon Triple H becomes the first professional wrestler to receive a lifetime achievement award from Greenpeace for his “unprecedented contributions in inspiring generations of boys and men to conserve water by spitting it out”.
- Apple commits to investing a humongous amount in the development of AI whose precise quantum can only be calculated by AI.
February 27
Mohamed Salah has ruled out a move to Saudi Arabia after studying the present regime’s foreign policy in detail Getty Images
- Answering the most burning question in football about what it will take for him to sign a fresh contract with Liverpool, Mohamed Salah, ever the statesman, says: “If the world wants to see me continue at Anfield, the world must find a way to bring lasting peace to my brothers and sisters in Gaza.”
- Former Pakistani cricketers such as Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis and Shoaib Akhtar publicly promise to stop talking about Pakistan cricket, having eventually accepted that the current squad is not lazy, selfish or corrupt, but plain incompetent.
February 28
Preity Zinta feels insulted that she would be linked to rumours of a loan worth only Rs 18 crore Getty Images
- In her first non-sponsored tweet for weeks, Preity Zinta pauses Kal Ho Naa Ho on Netflix to call out X handles spreading misinformation about her having a loan written off: “I can’t believe that people still misattribute things to me that may have actually happened to Ness Wadia.”
- Navi Mumbai is set to get India’s first Disneyland, with Mumbaikars already excited about one of its most anticipated features — a playzone where each individual has 200m of real estate all to themself, uncluttered by furniture, the din of construction or the sight of their neighbour’s clothesline.