Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
The sudden rise of DeepSeek is the latest reminder of how capitalism functions best when it is referred to as communism, for the big state is still bigger than big tech. With DeepSeek’s uncanny ability to steal from ChatGPT what ChatGPT stole from the internet, it is clear that AI is a greater threat to AI than it is to humans. The loudest opposition to DeepSeek, as expected, has come from Silicon Valley, with accusations against the Chinese company of violating the Treaty of San Francisco by not selling user data to American companies.
Meanwhile, DeepSeek has already boggled the minds of experts and novices alike with some compelling ideas — Xi Jinping is the planet’s most prolific author, with at least 22 books published every year, Tiananmen Square is famous for having the best dumplings in Beijing, Wuhan’s most impactful exports till date are EVs, the Dalai Lama is the most successful undercover agent in modern history, and hammers and sickles make for the most seductive innuendos.
Elsewhere, the Ministry of Information and Propaganda in India has reached out to several patriotic historians to help prove how India was the first country to master AI, as evident in the feats of Sanjaya in the Mahabharata.
Wondering what else happened as you mistook today as the 42nd of January? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
January 27
“Elon needs to stop tweeting and start writing books, may be with the help of Grok, to be remembered by posterity,” advises Bill Gates Getty Images
- Bill Gates, the prototype of the capitalist samaritan, has some advice for Elon Musk: “I’d like to tell Elon that if you really want power and influence across the world, attack real diseases, not imaginary ones like the woke mind virus.”
- Indian families in the US intent on extending endogamy promptly drop their opposition to the American partners of their children as Donald Trump revokes birthright citizenship on witnessing too many brown caddies.
January 28
More than 20 Gujarati associations in London have cancelled private shows for Coldplay after waiting with bated breath for the shoutout that never came Getty Images
- Coldplay may have delighted hundreds of thousands of Indians and made Ollie Pope briefly viral, but the British band has received a stern warning from Indian authorities for celebrating the wrong son of Gujarat. To compensate, Coldplay has agreed to perform an adaptation of Yellow the next time they are in India, called Saffron.
- CricGossip reveals that the BCCI has forbidden owners and coaching staff of IPL franchises to attend any matches in the ongoing India-England T20I series due to concerns of greater motivation among the English players.
January 29
Following renewed interest in the Mona Lisa, 14 French scholars have written papers on whether the mysterious lady in the painting is a squint Getty Images
- The Mona Lisa will have her own room at the Louvre, announces French Prime Minister Emmanuel Macron, to protect it from soup throwers who cannot afford the room’s €500 entry fee. “Using augmented reality, the most beautiful painting in the world will appear to smile differently at different people, showcasing the ingenuity of technologically empowered art,” elaborates Macron.
- The International Kolkata Book Fair, set to sell more chicken rolls than books for the third year running, opens with disappointing footfall, as several of the city’s Bookstagrammers boycott the event for not providing a dedicated pavilion for their hospitality.
January 30
Investment prospects in north Kolkata properties have shot up after being depicted with all the charm of pretty poverty at Sabyasachi’s 25th anniversary celebration TT archives
- As a tribute to Sabyasachi completing 25 years of his label, four Bollywood actresses are set to get remarried (three to their original partners), as they did not get to wear Sabyasachi outfits the first time around.
- A report by The Morning Confusion shows that 158 Indian companies signed MOUs with the Maharashtra government at the recently concluded World Excesses Forum (WEF) in Davos after not being able to meet in Mumbai for more than two years due to traffic.
January 31
Rajkummar Rao is puzzled to learn that one-third of the Sourav Ganguly biopic will focus on the former Indian captain’s journey to becoming the most adored anchor on Bengali TV TT archives
- Rajkummar Rao has been finalised as the lead for the upcoming Sourav Ganguly biopic after nailing the screen test at a mock-up of the Lord’s balcony with the exact right amount of chest hair.
In the spirit of national (and commercial) interest, anyone turning up to watch Emergency in theatres will have the chance to sit through Sky Force for free and vice versa.