Motherhood is a “role” and not a gender identity, said a mental health activist and a psychologist during a discussion in the city, challenging the traditional mindset that assigns the role exclusively to women.
A man, a queer person, or anyone else can “mother” a child, the two speakers said.
“When we say mother, we usually associate it with a woman, a marriage, a relationship… but motherhood is not only a married woman’s position. Motherhood is a role anyone can take up or even refuse to take up,” said consultant psychologist Anuttama Banerjee.
Banerjee was in conversation with mental health professional Ratnaboli Ray at a programme organised by the citizens’ collective Nagorik Chetona on “motherhood, mental health and the politics of care” at Rotary Sadan earlier this month.
Gender roles have long been laid down by families and reinforced by society.
Ray, who has raised a son, said she recognises “both the masculine and feminine strands” within herself — parts of her identity that do not contradict her motherhood. “I resolved it within myself because I wanted to make sure the conflict within me is resolved before I take on the confrontation with my family or society. The disruption is only created when one falls into the trap of social and family conditioning,” she said.
The audience at the programme. Picture by Bishwarup Dutta
A man feeding a toddler or changing nappies should not be unexpected — though it often still is. “Things are changing, and I would attribute a lot of this change to the queer movement. The queer movement has challenged notions of motherhood because there are no fixed gender roles; it’s non-binary and fluid,” Ray added.
The two-hour discussion opened up space for ambivalent emotions: acknowledging that loving a child does not mean wanting to be with the child round the clock, nor does it require feeling guilty for not completing every child-related chore.
Ray, founder of the mental health rights organisation Anjali, questioned the cultural construction of the “good-enough mother”.
“There is nothing called a good-enough mother. ‘Good enough’ is dictated by the family and society, which expect you to look or behave in a certain way and conform to those ideals,” she said.
The woman who wakes at 6am to collect waste and rags, leaving her children in the community’s care, is as “good enough” as the woman who stays home to prepare tiffin or iron clothes, Ray said. Likewise, a woman enjoying a cup of coffee with friends is simply acknowledging her own need for recreation.
Motherhood is also not confined to biology, Banerjee said.
“There are people who never feel the need to become a biological mother. They might take up temporary motherhood for a friend’s child — a role assumed, fulfilled, and then stepped out of. It is about mothering, not being a mother,” she said.
Nagorik Chetona was formed last year after the rape and murder of a postgraduate doctor at RG Kar Medical College and Hospital. It emerged as a citizens’ collective pushing for safety, government accountability and justice for women.
The group has turned its gaze “inwards” — into the seemingly private realm of motherhood and mental health. “Our motto is to make citizens aware of their rights,” said Krishna Ghose, a member of the collective.