We are in the middle of a (imagined) writers’ room conversation for Test.
Writer 1: The first of our two leading men is a cricket legend past his prime. He has been out of form lately, and his place in the playing XI, ahead of a crucial India-Pakistan Test series — let’s call it ‘Freedom Series’ (slow clap) — is in jeopardy. His name is Arjun, but everyone, including his son, calls him ‘Dada’ (wink, wink). We can cast Siddharth, but a statutory clause in his contract has to be that he has to wear a perpetually pained expression throughout. In terms of grumpiness, we can ask him to channel Rang De Basanti’s Karan Singhania, but in a far inferior film.
Writer 2: The other man, Saravanan, is a MIT graduate. Not Manipal, but Massachusetts, as he reiterates in the film with indignation. At least twice or thrice, we will make him say that he wanted to become the next Steve Jobs. He calls himself a scientist, runs a canteen in Chennai and is working on a project that he hopes will make Tamil Nadu the leader in fuel cell technology in the country. In a totally unrelated characteristic, he is also obsessed with biryani. We will put that in a couple of times in the script (note: look for a sponsor). But a twist of fate changes him. Since R. Madhavan just played an unhinged character in Shaitaan, let’s cast him. But tell him that he’s ‘crazy’, not unhinged, otherwise he tends to go overboard. And yes, make him sound like he is from MIT. Let him quote Jack Kerouac: ‘The only people for me are the mad ones.’ Let him break into devilish laughter without any reason. Towards the end, make sure he stops shaving. How will he look and sound crazy otherwise?
Writer 1: Our leading lady, Kumudha, has an enviable collection of cotton saris. She is married to Saravanan, knows Arjun since childhood — let’s keep the audience (unnecessarily) guessing whether they were simply classmates or lovers — and is now Arjun’s son’s school teacher. Make half of her dialogues about seeking IVF treatment. Nayanthara is a new mother; let’s cast her. Also, keep the audience guessing why she agreed to do the film.
Writer 2: Now let’s come to the plot. Actually, we don’t have anything beyond a one-line idea. So let’s fool the audience into thinking we have multiple plot points. So Arjun is struggling with form and this may be his last match. Put in a match-fixing angle and bring in a couple of bookies. Cast Nassar in the role of a selection committee member who has one scene. Make Kumudha have little else to define her personality but the desperate urge to become a mother.
Saravanan drowns himself in debt, his dream project fails to take off and then he hits on a devilish plan. Kumudha is suspended from her job for being ‘too maternal’ towards her students (go, figure). Arjun is constantly grumpy and staring into the distance. His wife, played by Meera Jasmine, needs to look dazed enough to make everyone feel for her in a thankless role. She slaps Arjun a few times, but his one-dimensional expression doesn’t change. Put in a kidnapping angle, a hero who redeems himself, a villain who is stupid enough to have no backup plan....
Writer 1: I have a stack of quotes from brainyquotes.com that we can use every time there is a loophole in the plot. Which is every few minutes in a yawn-inducing running time of 145 minutes. Also, innumerable quotes to be uttered in voiceover and preferably in slow-motion. Like: ‘Life game ki tarah hoti hain. Its beauty lies in its rules. There is only one rule — you have to get onto the field and play. There is no choice.’
Writer 2: I have Googled a few too! ‘In life or in a game, you will be pushed to the depths of the sea and tested.’ Genius, we managed to cover ‘life’, ‘game’ and ‘test’ in one quote! Here is one more. I call it the ‘repetitive-meets-reiterative quote’. Like: ‘Har haar mein jeet hoti hain aur har jeet mein haar.’
Writer 1: That’s great! Who needs dialogues when you can just spout mindless quotes? Also, what about naming the commentators Sanjay and Ravi? (Wink, wink) Let’s give them better lines than our actors get. Like: ‘The tension at Chepauk is thicker than the Chennai humidity.’
Writer 2: Now what do we name the film?
Writer 1 and 2 in unison: Test? Now that will ‘stump’ everyone (as will the film).