The week that should have been

With India currently holding the G20 presidency, a title that is almost as significant as that of “the next China”, the government has laid down three essential objectives. First, all visiting G20 leaders must perform at least one asana with India’s greatest yoga instructor (no, it is not Ramdev). Second, all high-octane discussions among G20 members must take place at the most influential centre of India’s financial capital, which is Antilla. Third, international delegations must be familiarised with the essence of Indian culture through the binge watching of Akshay Kumar films.

Meanwhile, two passengers accused of urinating on fellow travellers on Indian flights will face no punishment after they were able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the urine belonged not to them, but to cows.

Elsewhere, the Indian passport, wet or dry, remains among the weakest in the world, with visa-free travel limited to only those countries where Indians have no plans of studying. For the fifth year in a row, Japan’s citizens have been ranked as the holders of the world’s second strongest passport. The strongest, though, still belongs to a US soldier.

Wondering what else happened while you calculated whether your passport has less visa stamps than your body has love bites? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

January 9

• After Brazil foils a public coup in its capital with relative ease, former US House of Representatives speaker Nancy Pelosi decides to visit Brasilia to understand what the US can learn from Brazil in dealing with unemployed right wingers.
• On Kim Jong-un’s 40th birthday (according to CIA records), the world’s only dictator with tear glands promises to “create an inverse relationship between my waistline and North Korea’s nuclear arsenal”.

January 10

• At the trailer launch of Pathaan, where everyone’s wardrobe choices had to be pre-approved, a ripped Shah Rukh Khan admits: “I regret missing out on the Dhoom, Race and Ek Tha Tiger franchises. That’s why I chose Pathaan, since it combines all three.”
• Kangana Ranaut takes a break from watching Indira Gandhi videos to lambast the Golden Globes, saying that “the only reason RRR won for Naatu Naatu is because the song features more whites than Indians”.

January 11

• Prince Harry’s Spare, the latest book that can be read entirely through interviews, reveals the fundamental problem Harry faced as a royal. In his own words, the Duke of Sussex “was denied a shot at writing my own destiny by not being able to order my own Amazon purchases, dispose of my own trash and decide on my own fancy dress costume. All I wanted to be was middle-class”.
• “Golf. Punditry. Roasting Marc Bartra and Maicon. In that order,” tweets Gareth Bale, after retiring from football to pursue golf, the only sport where the ball is expected to move faster than him.

January 12

• To mark Swami Vivekananda’s birth anniversary, the BJP launches its nationwide Sampurna Purush (The Complete Man, no connection to Raymond) initiative. As part of this, Indian men between 18 and 30 years of age capable of reciting at least 20 shlokas from the Vedas, playing three sports, and abandoning their family at a moment’s notice will be given a lifetime membership of the RSS.
• Visits by south Kolkata teenagers to OYO Rooms and Jadavpur University are set to go down after Alipore introduces multi-level car parking facilities.

January 13

• Instagram influencers lament a longer wait to be “sunkissed” after a detailed study, funded by Samsung, Hitachi and LG, finds that the earth’s ozone layer is starting to heal.
• Elon Musk, who is losing money faster than common sense, announces “the world’s biggest crowdfunding campaign to keep Twitter functional and free from clueless capitalists”.