The year that should be: 24 predictions for 2024

With 2024 set to be the Year of the Dragon (according to Xi Jinping) as well as a leap year, everyone is chomping at the bit to take mythical leaps over the next 12 months. Whereas the US intends to produce more semiconductors than hamburgers, China wants to extend its “bankruptcy through bridges” scheme across Europe, which is expecting to welcome more infrastructure than immigrants. As for India, the planet’s Vishwaguru is poised to eradicate poverty, illiteracy and the Congress from any place within five kilometres of hotels hosting foreign delegates.

Meanwhile, a survey by Everything’s Ending has found out the most popular ways to ring in the New Year across the world — watching Harry Potter, watching Harry Potter while also watching Salman Khan dance, binge shopping for self-esteem, putting all WhatsApp groups on mute, avoiding running into one’s ex(es) at the cheapest local pub, lying unconsicous in the arms of a stranger, and waking up to a new personality that lasts half an hour.

Elsewhere, middle-class Indians flock in droves to Kerala and Karnataka with the hope of installing the newest version of Covid-19 and extending their weekend vacations for another fortnight.

Wondering what the whole of 2024 has in store as you decide which of your New Year’s Resolutions should not make it to Instagram? Here’s presenting 24 predictions for the year that should be.

January

• Fighter, where Deepika Padukone and Hrithik Roshan try to convert climate deniers with their chemistry, pulls out of theatres after trolls cannot accept fighter pilots hoisting the national flag despite failing in their national duty to wear their uniforms to the beach.

• The Prime Purohit of Bharat inaugurates the solution to all of the nation’s problems in Ayodhya and graciously accepts an idol of himself crafted by his bhakts during nine years of unemployment. Senior leaders from the Prime Purohit’s party, who first made Bharat obsess over heroes who abandon their wives, tune into the live streaming of the inauguration to discover that they have been redirected to a different show, one directed by Ramanand Sagar.

February

• The final of the Super Bowl LVIII (America’s biggest music event with moderate violence on either side) registers its highest attendance ever, as the organisers cancel Usher’s performance in favour of streaming highlights from Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.

• Rahul Gandhi wraps up his Bharat Khaye Yatra after eating at more than 200 non-vegetarian restaurants across 12 states (where Hindutva is never on the menu) that no food vlogger has documented till date.

March

• Vladimir Putin becomes Russian president for life after seeing off his body doubles in one-sided bouts of ice hockey, polo and judo. Noticing the absurdity of it all, Volodymyr Zelensky takes a break from relentless fund-raising to write a fresh skit.

• Kate Winslet’s portrayal of an arrogant, insecure and flippant European leader in Regime sparks comparisons to Margaret Thatcher, Angela Merkel and Ursula von der Leyen, before Winslet reveals the real source of inspiration for her role: “Every male CEO I’ve ever met.”

April

• UNESCO recognises Kolkata’s Southern Avenue as one of the world’s first “talking shops” for “helping generate a plethora of ideas that last as long as a coffee date”.

• The revelation of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates in running a notorious criminal enterprise called “I Kid You Not” gets delayed indefinitely after the committee in possession of the names receives a sudden invite from Buckingham Palace.

May

• Byju’s, once tipped to succeed the Central Board of Secondary Education, threatens to go under after thousands of Indian adolescents figure out that their school crushes have moved on to ChatGPT.

• On coming to power for the third consecutive term, the BJP prepares to pass the Uniform Chumocracy Code (UCC), which will necessitate all Indian business worth Rs 1,000 crore or more to be owned directly or indirectly by the most powerful Gujarati in the country.

June

• Afghanistan beat India to lift the Men’s T20 World Cup in Barbados, which leads Indian skipper Hardik Pandya to blame the Indian Cricket Council (ICC) for spending more time curating the crowd than the pitch.

• At the latest Apple Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC), Tim Cook unveils the iPhone 16, equipped with a special feature that provides personal feedback to every buyer on what else they could have done with the same amount of money.

July

• As a gesture of solidarity towards “democracy and human rights”, Germany concede three penalties to Ukraine in the UEFA European Championship final in Berlin, a match which Ukraine’s team of conscripts reach directly from the frontlines of Kherson thanks to a wildcard (and a plane) from the EU. Seeing the final unfold, Cristiano Ronaldo makes a desperate attempt to change his nationality before asking his agent if any European country is interested in invading Portugal.

• After four Blinkit riders meet with accidents during emergency deliveries of popcorn and cookies at the peak of monsoon in Mumbai, Blinkit introduces a seasonal bonus for staff who can complete their deliveries on time without stopping over at the closest bike repair shop or hospital.

August

• Following Neeraj Chopra’s inability to win gold at the Olympic Games in Paris, Chopra’s mother defends her son’s choice to eat beef from seven years ago. For its part, the Indian Olympic Association accuses the International Olympic Committee of using javelins made in Pakistan.

• Umar Khalid is re-arrested hours after being released on Independence Day as a result of sharing the following message online: “Independence is not the same thing as azadi.”

September

• Mahua Moitra claims that she has “nothing to do” with her pet dog entering Parliament and creating a ruckus at the precise moment when a bill on restricting the import of luxury goods was being passed. Parliament security apologises for their laxity, having confused Henry for a British gentleman.

• Joe Biden speaks for two hours at the 79th session of the UN General Assembly before eventually noticing that he has been reading out a speech meant for Hunter Biden’s peace of mind instead of the one on world peace. Notwithstanding his faux pas, Biden melts the internet with the line: “Son, trust me, I love you more than Taiwan.”

October

• A full year after Hamas “pre-emptively retaliated against Israel” (as defined by World Wide Wokes) to kick-start the war with the most victims on social media, a ceasefire is agreed upon by influencers from both sides, mutually acknowledging the fact that “both camps have reached their limits when it comes to the manufacturing of reels”.

• The New York Times celebrates a “poignant Durga Puja pandal in Howrah for its heart wrenching attempt to evoke the ruins of Gaza” without realising that someone had accidentally placed an old Durga idol in a slum.

November

• In spite of being imprisoned for misgendering three television anchors, Donald Trump becomes US president for the second time, as voters in US swing states get bored with HBO. In a bizarre move, Trump chooses to govern from prison instead of the White House upon discerning that prison toilets can flush documents faster.

• More than 150 participating nations and 700 corporate lobbies come together to issue an historic statement at COP OUT 29 in Baku, Azerbaijan, which states: “We’ve solemnly resolved to tackle the biggest contributor to carbon emissions that nobody talks about — human breathing.”

December

• Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg finally square off in their much-anticipated combat inside the metaverse, with Zuckerberg prevailing due to “greater familiarity of algorithmic conditions”. As his prize, Zuckerberg takes over X from Musk and scraps subscription fees for users who share at least two pieces of fake news every month.

• With the release of GPT9, OpenAI’s cutting edge software can now write articles by predicting the thoughts of users (based on their internet history and an IQ test), thereby eliminating one of modern capitalism’s greatest challenges of having to pay writers.