With the world dividing itself into pro-Israel and pro-Palestine camps faster than it split during Oppenheimer versus Barbie, the collective conscience of Instagram struggles to process how Gaza has a more complicated history than Taylor Swift’s dating life. Whereas many Instagrammers are rooting for Palestine because “who doesn’t love an underdog”, Israel also has its cheerleaders thanks to the heroism of its intelligence services on Netflix. Then there are those who, like Russia, are neutral for the time being, for one person’s terrorism/freedom fight is another person’s spectator sport.
Meanwhile, Volodymyr Zelensky, whose time as the poster boy of tragedy is under threat from innocent Israelis, has reached out to Hamas with a proposal for Ukraine to obtain high-tech weaponry in exchange for neo-Nazis. Joe Biden, who accidentally merged his calls with Zelensky and Benjamin Netanyahu, Israel’s Prime Manipulator, has privately assured both US allies that they will keep receiving ammunition as long as US’s biggest geopolitical asset, i.e. semiconductors (better known as Taiwan), is not under attack from China.
Elsewhere, 20-something urban Indians spend more time studying the politics of the Middle East (for their next houseparty) than they have ever spent in understanding the cold war between their companies’ sales and marketing teams.
Wondering what else happened while you struggled to decide which influencer to believe on the Israel-Palestine conflict? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
October 9
“I dedicate my victory to the Prime Minister for inspiring us with his vision that imagination matters more than reality,” says Nirmala Sitharaman TT archives
- In hugely disappointing news for Elon Musk, the winners of the remaining Nobel prizes for this year have been revealed. The Nobel prize in economics has been awarded to Nirmala Sitharaman for “her pioneering efforts in proving that perception, not data, is what defines the performance of an economy”. The Nobel prize in literature has been claimed by Rupi Kaur for “successfully countering the centuries-old notion that poetry must be deep, sincere and grammatically correct”. And the Nobel peace prize has been bestowed upon Vladimir Putin (his 14th body double is expected to collect it) for “showing the world what the absence of peace looks like”.
- According to a survey by Think Pawsitive, cat owners are more likely to have long-term romantic relationships, as they are already used to dealing with emotional unavailability for large parts of the day.
October 10
“Today, I feel stateless,” observes Gianni Infantino ahead of his controversial World Cup declaration TT archives
- Gianni Infantino, the president of FIFA, declares: “The 2030 FIFA World Cup will be co-hosted by all those nations whose governments believe that football unites people faster than democracy.”
- Following abysmal attendance figures in the opening matches of the latest season of Bat Kills Ball (also known as the ICC Men’s Cricket World Cup), the BCCI has asked state governments to send their bureaucrats to fill up empty stadiums, since the matches begin at a time when the officials have mentally stopped working.
October 11
“Nobody can bang like I can, especially when it comes to banging a gavel,” boasts Donald Trump TT archives
- Donald Trump is set to be named as the new US Speaker after both Republicans and Democrats agree that smashing a gavel several times a day might keep him distracted from running for President again.
- The trust responsible for (re)building independent India’s most important structure, in Ayodhya, can now access foreign funding (which has been denied to thousands of NGOs), because the logic of modern governance dictates that prayers ensure progress faster than policies.
October 12
In response to the charges against her, Arundhati Roy writes the same op-ed in Scroll, the Guardian, BBC and Al Jazeera TT archives
- Arundhati Roy, currently reduced to being Rana Ayyub with better English, is going to be prosecuted for a speech she made in 2010. According to the invisible chargesheet prepared by Delhi police, Roy stands accused of “using 92 words to divide India whose meanings are so dangerous that they cannot be found in pocket dictionaries”.
- Giving into the demands of the Opposition, the BJP agrees to do a caste census for India on the condition that Rahul Gandhi can name at least 50 per cent of all the castes present in the country.
October 13
Five different tissue paper companies have reached out to Prince Harry, asking him to take over as their brand ambassador ahead of the last season of ‘The Crown’ TT archives
- The creators of The Crown announce that the final season of the show will be released in two parts to give Prince Harry enough time to cope with the on-screen death of his mother, Princess Diana. The first part is expected to end with the depiction of how Diana’s fractious relationship with Britain’s most toxic institution — not the monarchy, but the tabloids — led to her demise.
- Shah Rukh Khan, Akshay Kumar and Ajay Devgn have been given Z-category security after thousands of their fans complain that eating pan masala does not add any charm to their breath or personalities.