Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
As the North Atlantic Troubles Organisation (NATO) celebrates 75 years of solving problems of its own making, its latest summit identifies its long-term agenda, translated into five key goals — improve the quality of hamburgers for future summits (lest the next US president pull his country out of the alliance), prioritise the evacuation of lithium and titanium once Kyiv collapses, protect every Taiwanese chipmaker with a Green Card, quadruple its influencer budget (chiefly for Gaza) and arrange for Taylor Swift to perform in at least three member countries every month.
Meanwhile, the most recent bilateral meeting between Russia and India is a roaring success with both delegations in agreement that democracy looks best on paper, Xi Jinping is an underrated hugger and no number of requests from Ukraine should be able to get Volodymyr Zelensky into Bollywood. A subsequent interaction involving India in Austria has been deferred indefinitely after India’s pilot-in-chief instructed to be flown to Melbourne instead of Vienna.
Elsewhere, Ousmane Dembele meets Marine Le Pen in Paris for a masterclass on how to be a better right-winger for France.
Wondering what else happened as you struggled to plan your siesta around endless Zoom meetings? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
July 8
Rumours suggest that Joe Biden asked Kamala Harris “what’s your top speed?” after she introduced herself as his running mate TT archives
- Joe Biden, who can no longer recognise Kamala Harris and has taken to calling his wife ‘Michelle’, admits at a fundraiser: “I’m not going to drop out of the presidential race because nobody would care for an 81-year-old man in America outside the White House.”
- In keeping with India’s federal spirit, the Centre is preparing a bunch of schemes designed to help states reach their full economic potential. As per a random lottery, the first two states chosen to benefit from the Centre’s benevolence are Bihar and Andhra Pradesh.
July 9
Keir Starmer is believed to be working on a plan to ensure that the rest of the UK follows London’s lead as the go-to hub for the concentration of black money TT archives
- Days after storming into power with more votes than people on his side (just first-past-the-post things), new UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer declares that “socialism only works at cocktail parties” and that “my plan for the UK is to evolve away from the Conservative chumocracy into a robust and reliable oligarchy”.
- With a prolonged financial crisis plaguing Kenya, the World Bank has told the Kenyan government that repayment of old loans issued by the former can only be made by requesting for fresh loans.
July 10
Justin Bieber was paid less for the pre-wedding concert than what the Ambani family’s head chauffeur makes in a fortnight TT archives
- An in-depth report jointly compiled by all four Indian Statistical Institutes (ISI) reveals that in terms of the proportion of net worth, the Ambanis spent less on hiring the services of Justin Bieber and Rihanna combined than the average urban Indian spends on Swiggy and/or Zomato every month.
- In acknowledgement of the heightened national interest surrounding the wedding of Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant, streaming platforms such as Disney+ Hotstar and JioCinema have backed out from broadcasting the 130-hour-long ceremony, allowing the once-in-a-lifetime privilege to be bagged by Doordarshan.
July 11
“Anything that’s better than ‘Heart of Stone’” was Alia Bhatt’s sole condition before signing on for ‘Alpha’ TT archives
- Alia Bhatt lets slip that she was cast for YRF Spy Universe’s Alpha moments after she recited Ranbir Kapoor’s search history from memory at one of Aditya Chopra’s house parties.
- John Cena announces his retirement from professional wrestling, since “more than two decades in WWE have given me ample acting experience to go full-time into Hollywood”.
July 12
“I’m tired of telling people that Lionel Messi isn’t my father,” sighs Lamine Yamal after photos of the two (from 2007) go viral TT archives
- Hailed for his superb showing for Spain, 16-year-old Lamine Yamal shares his biggest motivation behind succeeding at Euro 2024: “The longer I stay at the tournament, the higher the chances of skipping my maths exams.”
- Gautam Gambhir hits the ground running as the coach of the Indian men’s cricket team by making it compulsory to play the national anthem before and after every practice session.