Hum pill le chuke sanam

Darn it, never thought it would come to this, meaning having to say this, in cold print, in this esteemed newspaper. But it seems to me more and more that Mahadeb is a most derelict person. Never mind how many bhnaars of piping tea he served out to me at what trying hours - and, doubtless to many others - but this is no way of being gone. Without word or warning or whereabouts. Not done.

By Lazy Eye-Sankarshan Thakur
  • Published 11.03.18
  •  

Darn it, never thought it would come to this, meaning having to say this, in cold print, in this esteemed newspaper. But it seems to me more and more that Mahadeb is a most derelict person. Never mind how many bhnaars of piping tea he served out to me at what trying hours - and, doubtless to many others - but this is no way of being gone. Without word or warning or whereabouts. Not done.

Even HeeravToady doesn't do that. Agreed, he borrowed a few abstract thousand crores from our banks and could not repay the debt, poor chap, but at least we know he's safe in a Manhattan penthouse! And he's left the delight of a litter of designer diamonds, which we all know, are forever. Or the DingOfHoodTimes, who occasionally speaks to us from the Queen'sCourt in Landan, or affords us an occasional glance sweeping into his suburban Vinglish countryhome, seated behind the panes of a VollsVoice, or whatever it is those unpronounceable carriages are called in the Queen's tongue.

Or even that FraudulLootsi, who is suffering extreme mental agony because of the burden of debt he has left behind and which he cannot return to repay because, how could he, they took away his passport. At least they let us know they are, by the supreme grace of God and the BossOfAllThings, alive and kissing. Not so, Mahadeb, this abject mannerless rustic who just can't be bothered for scotches or diamonds to inform us his welfare or whereabouts.

But bother not. We have our ways. What do you think? Hum bhi koi aise waise nai hain, hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailor hain. Aatenshun!! Henh, henh, henh, Mahaaadeb! We know. We know. HariramNai knows. Hariram! Hamaaara jaasoos! Henh, henh, henh!

HariramNai the jaasoos it is who tells us that Mahadeb might have gone no farther than just home. For a break. Home. To the blessed land of Beehaar, also known at one unfortunate time as JungleRaaj, but now, courtesy a bloodless coup, known as MungleRaaj, a realm most pure and eternally immune to all evil. All impure and evil things are nishedh in Beehar, PROHIBITED. Wonder what Mahadeb will do there because all intoxicants, bar one, are proscribed and possession or imbibing can attract nightmarish punishments. Mahadeb should be careful, none of his daily nocturnal habits will be tolerated in Beehar.

The place itself is called Beehar, you can imagine what jail cells in Beehar must be like. To all intoxicants, bar one, there exists zero-tolerance in that realm. How could that not be the case when the king of MungleRaaj is none other than NishedhHamaar himself? Zero-tolerance is one of his favoured jumlas; he doesn't suffer nonsense, only embraces it when it suits him. He can have zero-tolerance to corruption but on the odd occasion, he is capable of turning tolerant. He requires to preserve MungleRaaj, please understand, protect it from the predators of JungleRaaj; he has been willing to do anything, pay any price, towards that most noble end.

NishedhHamaar has been called a turncoat and a treacherous man, but he has swallowed such insult and invective in the higher interests of MungleRaaj. And rest assured, MungleRaaj is not going anywhere because NishedhHamaar is not going anywhere. He's on the pill, you see, that magic pill only he seems to have and periodically, though surreptitiously, tucks within his lower lips, quite like the common folk of Beehar tuck their khaini, or chewing tobacco.

But what our dear NishedhHamaar tucks is a higher thing, not commonly available, in fact so prized a potion it sparks envy among many of his peers. It allows him exclusive rights over Beehar's only permissible intoxicant - power. He can sleep with one then with another and with the previous one again but whenever he wakes up, whatever the bed, whatever side of the bed, power remains his. The pill is such it also protects him from any consequences of power-promiscuity. His partners may not say the same of the after-effects of their trysts but NishedhHamaar remains unaffected and safe. So, by the pill's good grace, does Beehar and MungleRaaj.

So if gone you have to NishedhHamaar

Keep your guard up Mahadeb ji

Stay well away from bottle or bar

Safe in such company to just have tea.