The Telegraph
Sunday , May 1 , 2011
Since 1st March, 1999
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Survival Strategies

I am 17. Recently my boyfriend cheated on me. I don’t want to go back to him. But I feel very lonely and even attempted suicide. I find it useless to stay alive. What should I do now?

Name and address withheld

Listen child, just stay alive. I cannot for the life of me read about another suicide in the papers for a silly thing called love. My advice is forget that lout and move on. There are more men than women in this blessed country of ours so you will never be out of options and in any event, cheating on a girlfriend is hardly a crime when we have survived Kalmadi and Raja so you won’t even get any sympathy so just stay alive and listen to John Travolta.

I am 16. I’ve unearthed a scam in school. Our headmistress is giving away the highest honours to a classmate who doesn’t deserve it. I’ve gathered all the proof including a teacher’s confession. Should I reveal this offence? Kindly help.

Name and address withheld

Wow. This is great news. You have several options. You can contact any of our esteemed news channels and they will break the news and hound that headmistress to her death. You can also approach the police but you will have to spend a fortune on them. You can also talk to Amar Singh and he will record an irresistible conversation with that headmistress, make CDs and send them to every news channel. If all else fails, you can meet me and I will tell you things that I cannot write about.

I am 43 years old. I had a crush on a girl 10 years younger for the last 15 years. I recently proposed to her only to be told that she thought of me as an elder brother and never harbour any romantic feelings for me. I am devastated. She is still unmarried but I don’t think her parents would approve of me.

Akash Jena, email

Elder brother. That is as good as her thinking you were gay all this while. Look my son, life is cruel which is why I tell everyone like you, that if you love a woman, tell her sooner rather than later. The more time you take, the more their mind wanders and it is just not worth it. You have very few options at 43. Forget falling in love. Just join the Communists and that too will be as heady.


Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park, Calcutta - 25
Ph: 2419 1174
For free help on alcoholism
(2p.m. to 6p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)

Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics)

Ph : 8420738682
(2p.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)

Narcotics anonymous

(Kolkata area helpline)
Ph: 9836223071;
Self-help group of recovering addicts

HelpAge India

Free helpline for the elderly for social, legal, economical, financial counselling and also access to government schemes and policies

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free helpline for the depressed or suicidal
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays)


AE-36, Rabindra Pally, PO: Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta - 01
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529, 9856
Free tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on personal relationships and HIV/ AIDS
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Fridays)


38/1, Beltala Road,Calcutta - 19
Senior Citizen’s Emergency
Co-ordination Control Room
Ph: 2419 0740

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