The Telegraph
Since 1st March, 1999
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Survival Strategies

I am a 20-year-old man. I slept with my girlfriend recently. However, a friend of mine admitted that he also slept with her sometime back. This has led to a messy situation. I still love my girlfriend a lot, but I can’t behave normally with my friend anymore. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

You seem miserable in judging both your friends and your women, son. What more can I say, except find a new girl and never ever let any of your friends meet her. You seem to be so unattractive that your next girlfriend might even sleep with the Victoria Memorial monument if proposed! Obviously you are not destined for great glory with women so protect the few you get or your entire life will be like a giant visiting card holder with names of all the men who have slept with your girls. Get it, son?

I have been in love with my friend’s cousin for the last six years. However, she was unaware of my feelings for so long till my friend told her. She feels that I should talk to her directly. I am apprehensive as she is really attractive and I am an average looking guy. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Obviously don’t bother talking to her. Write to me instead, waste my time and that of all my elegant readers. Tell the whole world you love her without ever telling her and one day, out of the blue, she will propose to you and sweep you off your corn-riddled toes! Sometimes, dolts like you are exasperating and one day I might need some of the help that I give out trying to counter such idiots.

I am a college student. My problem is that I am addicted to the Internet. I am not being able to concentrate on studies because of this. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Why don’t you marry that goddamn mouse? The easier thing would be to terminate your Internet connection but then you could well be so daft that you wouldn’t even know how to do that without logging on.       


Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park, Calcutta - 25
Ph: 24191174
For free help on alcoholism
Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays

Narcotics anonymous (Kolkata area helpline)

Self-help group of recovering addicts
Ph: 9836223071

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free tele helpline for the depressed, distressed or suicidal.
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Monday through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally, PO: Prafulla Kana, Calcutta — 700 001
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852/ 6529/9856
Free tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on personal relationships and HIV/ AIDS
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Fridays


38/1, Beltala Road, Calcutta — 700 019. Senior Citizen’s
Emergency Co-ordination
Control Room. Ph: 2419 0740

Teenline (cini-yuva)

Telecounseling and one-on-one counselling on sex and sexuality, emotional and career problems.
By appointment only
Ph: 2461 1463
Mondays through Saturdays (10 a.m. to 5 p.m.)

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