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The contrarian

01 You were ‘taken’ at 20, you’re ‘available’ at 30. You ‘broke up’ a while ago and you were ‘moving on’ just fine. You start getting social, meeting people, blah blah, and suddenly you realise, ‘Where have all the men gone?’ The only ones around are boys in their 20s or married men with potbellies. It’s the devil or the deep sea.

02You were ‘taken’ at 20, you’re ‘married’ at 30. Not to the same person. Now you’re probably a new mom, managing a squealing baby or two, and as much as you LOVE them, you do miss your ‘me-time’. So you start thinking, ‘Is this it?’

03You look in the mirror and spot things you’ve never noticed before. Surely, you had fewer lines around your eyes. Is that a GREY hair? WAIT, is that a dimple on your butt?

04‘You guys, I am so old,’ is your excuse for everything. Even to your dog who wants a walk.

05You find the music annoyingly loud in nightclubs. You secretly like Gangnam Style and Swedish House Mafia but say, ‘You guys, I am so old’.

06You notice that the street-side Rowdy Rathores look through you at the (real) 20-year-old behind. OMG, did you really think you would miss that?

07You start getting annoyed by cute and giggly 23-year-olds. She has a 23-inch waist too. She Instagrams every expression. Awwww, how cute! Not.

08You wonder how your grandparent’s prayers about you ‘settling down’ never work. You think god would listen to an 80-year-old. Oh wait... god must be 20.

09You start reading books like The New Rules — the dating dos and don’ts for the digital generation. Because boys now ask 20-year-olds out on Facebook, Twitter and WhatsApp. One of the rules says, ‘Wait at least four hours to answer a guy’s first text and a minimum of 30 minutes thereafter’. Another says, ‘Wait for a guy to follow you on Twitter first and rarely return tweets’. What the what?

10You go watch Zero Dark Thirty. It’s the best thing you can do at 20, or 30.

random things to do while you’re 30 and #ForeverAlone

Have a fling. Then detach.

Reply to your ex’s text message with ‘k’ just to piss him off.

Be mean to cats because they always look so content. Squirt an orange peel in its face.

Have an extra pillow on your bed so you can spoon it.

Write lyrics like, ‘Roses are red/ I have a phone/ No one to WhatsApp/ I’m forever alone’.

The next time your BFF sends you a picture of herself kissing her husband/ baby, send one back where you’re kissing your own hand.

Track down the person who said ‘30 is the new 20’ and bonk him on the head. Thirty times.

Track down your back-ups who got hitched before you. They could have waited a little longer, you know! Outrage.

The budget just made things worse. Consider marrying someone just for money or health insurance.

Make Mithunda your role model and pretend to be forever 27. Even at 30x2.