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| Solo acts: Salman Rushdie, 64, Charlie Sheen, 46, Madonna, 53, George Clooney, 50, and Hugh Hefner, 85 |
In a personal column of The New York Review of Books this Christmas, a Los Angeles woman posted an ad. “Formerly pretty, formerly slender, 69 years, retired, out of shape, overweight, never married, terrified of commitment, blue-eyed, grey-and-brown haired independent woman seeks independent man,” it said, before adding: “I’d ask for fit and handsome but let’s be real.”
Scores of men wrote to the author begging for a date.
No one has posted such a message in a personal column in a city publication, but many must be wishing there was such a space. The city’s seniors could do well with a place where they could meet potential partners. Just to date perhaps.
Protyush Roy, a 65-year-old former IITian, wants to date. He doesn’t really want to marry. “I am looking for a girlfriend, a date. I didn’t want to advertise in the matrimonial section, but the newspaper wouldn’t take an ad in the personal column.” So Roy was forced to advertise in the matrimonial column.
There are many like him, as was evident from the response to a an article published in Metro (It’s never too late for love, December 11). Following the mention of an NGO, Vina Mulya Amulya Sewa, which organises swayamvars for senior citizens in Ahmedabad, in the article, the NGO was flooded with queries from the city. The outfit is considering holding a similar event in the city.
The swayamvar, however, is a bit of a misnomer. It does not exactly encourage the exchange of garlands at first sight. It advises partners to live with each other first before plunging into matrimony.
That doesn’t mean that older people are not looking at matrimony — they are, in significant numbers, at marriage bureaus. “In the past year or so, there has been a surge in the number of people above 50 who have registered their profiles with us for a suitable alliance. About 20 per cent of my cases at present fall in this age bracket. I have a few clients who are as old as 75,” says Soumendu Sen of Astha, a city marriage bureau.
Loneliness, scattered families and a general improvement in health and life expectancy have made more people more active for longer and raised the cut-off age for relationships. There is a feeling that love, including physical love, is not the prerogative of youth.
“Loneliness is the primary reason,” says psychologist Moharmala Chatterjee. “In the last five years there has been a shift in urban mentality, even in Calcutta, which is often termed conservative. Relationship issues that were earlier suppressed are openly discussed now. The rate of divorce has gone up. And families are not as close-knit as before. All this breeds loneliness,” she says.
“The rate of divorce in the 35-50 age group is on the rise. The number has gone up by 25 per cent in the past year or two,” says lawyer Shibaprasad Mukherjee. “Simultaneously, the media is youth-oriented. There is a fun culture, a stress on living for the moment and a concentration on relationships rather than values. As the youth emulate this life, the old and the children are left out. The old then try to adapt themselves to the change and aspire for the life the young are living. A new relationship is a major part of that,” says Chatterjee.
But many in the older age group are not comfortable online, where the great marriage bazaar is located. At Shaadi.com, only 0.86 per cent of profiles are of people above the age of 50. Though Gourav Rakshit, business head, Shaadi.com, says: “It may not seem like a lot, but if you consider that Shaadi gets 10,000 members a day, it is quite a sizeable number. The figure for West Bengal is 1.14 per cent.”
It is difficult when someone doesn’t want to marry. “I have a family, but I find I can’t communicate with them. I want a companion, someone with whom I can connect mentally and emotionally,” says Protyush Roy. He is still looking.
It is also difficult when someone wants to marry, for there may be the hang-ups carried on from youth, made more complicated by age.
Manojit Barua, 68, is looking for a bride of not more than 44. She can be a widow, but preferably childless. “If she has a child, he or she must be grown up and settled. I am not too keen on a divorcee because it is difficult to know whose faults led to the divorce,” he says. Neither does he want the lady to have a large family. “I don’t want too many people to influence her. I am financially strong, so I am looking for a poor, helpless woman. Even if she has not finished school, that’s fine,” says the retired engineer. He has one more requirement. “She should be good-looking,” he says.
Fifty-year-old Rajeev Daswani’s requirements are fewer, but he has not met anyone yet, either. “They are all after money.” He is suspicious of the Net. “You don’t actually get to know the person on the Net. The women want to get married immediately,” he says.
“We have very limited success in such cases,” says Soumendu Sen of Astha. “The men often want someone much younger than themselves. And they are not very keen to interact with the family of the bride. They want to talk directly with the woman,” he says. Which is still not all right in our society for women, whatever their age. It is still not all right for women in many families to say that they want to marry, let alone being entitled to a love life, especially if they are of a certain age, say past 40.
So, as with many things else, it is the toughest for women. Ironically, it is happening at the best of times for the women of a certain age.
The city is full of single, mature, attractive women, settled in their careers, some stunningly successful, and with money to spare, which could well be spent on a date at a five-star.
Ad professional Avantika Basu, a 51-year-old divorcee, who has a 14-year-old daughter, has been in a relationship for the past four-five years. She does not want to marry.
“I have many single friends my age who are not open to the idea of marriage. My profession is also not conducive to a happy marriage,” she says.
Basu hangs out with her gang of friends at Someplace Else. “I still have men offering to buy me a drink there or starting up a conversation. Also there are clubs of professional women that organise meets where you can bring your men friends,” she says.
But Daswani, who wants to date a woman for some time before he takes the decision to marry her, says many men shy away from approaching women. “How do I know whether she is single or simply waiting for someone? And how do I go about getting to talk to her?” he asks.
Perhaps a swayamvar in the city could help. Meanwhile, the Los Angeles woman, after exchanging letters and photographs with 10 men, lost her nerve, cancelled all the dates. “Despite my blunt honesty... I was sure that they would be disappointed in my looks,” she said. “I’m still ‘attractive’ but quite overweight.”
( Some names have been changed) |
