I am 47 and married. I’ve had extramarital affairs in the past. I’m now in a relationship with my friend’s girlfriend. But, we can’t carry on this way. Help.

Pradipta, Siliguri

Very good. Just about as good as Buddhadev Bhattacharya winning the West Bengal elections next year. He, like you, could pull out a few surprises though certainly not in the same department. Look, you are a master-adulterer and I congratulate you for the same. We have a lot to learn from stalwarts such as you. You have been able to set a new benchmark. If you send me a portrait snap of yours, I will have a statue of yours erected at Lover’s Lane in Calcutta so that at least some of the really promiscuous pigeons can rest on your shoulders.

I am in the 12th grade. My friend has suddenly stopped speaking to me. I don’t know the reason for this. We used to get along very well and I don’t want to lose his friendship. Please help.

Name and address withheld

To hell with him. Look son, the kind of person you seem to be, you will be losing a lot in life...more than just friends so just come to terms with the fact, that in most parts you will have a miserable life. So given the kind of dolt you are, it is better to move on rather than worry about some kid who’s stopped speaking to you. On a separate note, do not write to me on such trivial issues. I am handling adultery and incest: that’s more fun than someone not talking to you. Get it son?

I am a 16-year-old boy. A girl in the 7th grade seems to be interested in me. I feel that she loves me and I like her too. But I’m not sure about her feelings. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Listen she is in Class 7. She should be holding a compass in her hands and not your hands per se. My advice is forget her for a while and please concentrate on your studies. You will have enough time in life to worry about silly things like love and romance. Besides, both are extremely outdated concepts. Try incest and lust: they are far more exciting concepts between man and woman!

HELP IN HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park, Calcutta - 25
Ph: 2419 1174
For free help on alcoholism
E-mail: aakolkata_ig03

Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics)

Ph : 98309 93132
(2p.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)
www.india.al-anon.alateen.org

Narcotics anonymous (Kolkata area helpline)

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Self-help group of recovering addicts

HelpAge India

1800-345-1253
Free helpline for the elderly for
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Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free helpline for the depressed or suicidal
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays)

Sparsha

AE-36, Rabindra Pally, PO: Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta - 01
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Free tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on personal relationships and HIV/ AIDS (10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Fridays)

Pronam

38/1, Beltala Road,Calcutta - 19
Senior Citizen’s Emergency
Co-ordination Control Room
Ph: 2419 0740