I am 14. I love a girl in my building but I am scared to ask her out because if she gets offended she might tell all my friends.

Name and address witheld

Son, all of us who’ve lived in buildings have faced the same problem: so always seek out girls in the opposite building. I used to live in Jassal House in Calcutta which had very pretty women but the women in the opposite building Shalimar House were prettier and that’s where I’d cast my bait. You achieve two things: the girls in your building will be so jealous they’ll surrender to every wish of yours, and the girls in the opposite building out of sheer gratitude will surrender too. Two birds in the opposite building are better than one in your own son.

My parents hate my boyfriend. They’ve even beaten him up but he still wants to be with me. Please help.

Juhi, Calcutta

Just ensure they keep beating him up. Out of mere remorse, one day they’ll accept the wimp on the grounds that if he is such a succour, then he’ll obey every wish of yours. By the way, can you arrange for me to meet your parents. There’s a plu-mber in Delhi who I want beaten up and I don’t mind telling your parents that he fancies you. Your parents seem so sweet and gentle that I plan to suggest their names for Principalship of a tony school in Calcutta which doesn’t believe in corporal punishment. Your dad could run the Boys’ School while your mother could run the Girls’ School.

My girlfriend is being forced to marry against her wishes. I’ve promised to save her. Help.

Name and address withheld

You were silly to make promises that you can’t keep. Now this is what you should do. Ring up her fiancé and tell him that she and you are a number and that she even had an abortion off you but out of propriety you can’t tell the family. Just keep the message crisp and brutal and watch how quickly this engagement melts son. And obviously never tell the girl you did this. And warn the fiancé that if he ever says you’re the whistleblower, you’ll kill him. This way it’ll all end happily unless of course the boy doesn’t care about false pregnancies son?       

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park, Calcutta - 25
Ph: 2419 1174
For free help on alcoholism
E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com
(2p.m. to 6p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)

Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics)

Ph : 98309 93132
(2p.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)
www.india.al-anon.alateen.org

Narcotics anonymous (Kolkata area helpline)

Ph: 9836223071; www.nakolkata.org
Email: info@nakolkata.org
Self-help group of recovering addicts

HelpAge India

1800-345-1253
Free helpline for the elderly for social, legal, economical, financial counselling and also access to government schemes and policies

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free helpline for the depressed or suicidal
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays)

Sparsha

AE-36, Rabindra Pally, PO: Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta - 01
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529, 9856
Free tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on personal relationships and HIV/ AIDS
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Fridays)

Pronam

38/1, Beltala Road,Calcutta - 19
Senior Citizen’s Emergency
Co-ordination Control Room
Ph: 2419 0740