Diwali crackers pale in comparison to the top 10 grunters in women’s tennis...

Victoria Azarenka (Belarus) 83.5 decibels

One of a more modern breed favouring the short, sharp cry. Consistent in volume and tone. In terms of decibels, her shriek produces results similar to those that would be expected to be recorded inside a train station.

Elena Bovina (Russia) 81 decibels

An established grunter on the women’s tour. From the Seles school of double-syllable shrieks, but especially high-pitched. Sounds like a dying animal on every stroke, and is particularly distressing to witness. Impressive stature of 6’2” makes for excellent projection. Generates decibel levels similar to a pneumatic tool from 15 metres.

Kim Clijsters (Belgium) 75 decibels

Only audible when applying herself especially hard, typified by a low gutteral sound when striking the ball. Brought on by effort, not tactics.

Venus Williams (USA) 85 decibels

Her higher pitched scream, complete with warble, conveys anxiety, and could plausibly be confused with a new-born foal sinking in quicksand. Featured in one of the most amusing matches in Wimbledon history, against Sharapova in 2007, which even had the commentatorssniggering. Funny at first, soon becomes incredibly irritating.

Michelle Larcher De Brito (Portugal) Decibel level unconfirmed

More of a screech; stands out for consistency and duration. Spectators are treated to an experience similar to one they might expect to receive standing in the crowd at a Formula One race. Opponents, notably Aravane Rezai of France, have complained strenuously. Had forced tennis officials from the grand-slam tournament office to demand a meeting before Wimbledon.

Maria Sharapova (Russia) 101 decibels

Undisputed queen of grunts. Enjoys climactic shriek of the blue-movie variety. Apparently afflicted since the age of four, made all the more remarkable in that she doesn’t emit a peep when practising. Even known to grunt when utilising slice — some achievement. In decibels, is the equivalent of an aeroplane landing, and approaching the threshold of comfort. Some say exceeding it.

Elena Dementieva (Russia) 73 decibels

Boasts two different types of scream. The first, in evidence throughout average rallies and early points, is the relatively common-place high-pitched cry, found among many female players. The second, however, climbs to a shriek, most often heard on important points and towards the end of a long, strenuous rally. Definitely dictated by pressure.

Anna Kournikova (Russia) 78.5 decibels

In truth, only noisy when under strain. Favoured a classical grunt, evocative of authentic endeavour, rather than the more modern breed of tactical, sustained screeching. Certainly doesn’t look like the back end of a bus, but as far as decibel levels are concerned, sounded like one.

Monica Seles (USA) 93.2 decibels

One of the earliest exponents of the female grunt — inspiration behind the Centre Court “grunt--meter”. Unusual in that she adopted a two-tone scream, characterised by an anticipatory moan followed immediately by a louder, high pitched groan of exertion. Unique in that she toned down the grunt after being threatened with a fine at Wimbledon, although now claims that doing so is one of her biggest regrets.

Serena Williams (USA) 88.9 decibels

Possessed of an aggressive grunt of low pitch variety, which increases in timbre when excited or with particular physical exertion. Responded well when played recordings of her grunt on an episode of Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, but remains one of the worst offenders on tour. Equivalent in decibels to the noise made by a jackhammer when heard from across a single-lane road.