HANG UP

One has, always had, a few domestic troubles. With two young grandsons and an array of their girlfriends, it is not at all easy for an octogenarian grandmother. Yes, one is talking about Harry’s and William’s endless phone conversations. But one has tried to reduce that as much as possible. “Don’t make calls unless they are absolutely necessary,” is what one keeps saying to these young lads. Thankfully Charles’s telephonic engagements have reduced significantly since things turned civil between Camilla and one and she walked down the aisle with Charles, still looking rather frumpy. So make the phone calls that really matter (like one makes to the Prime Minister Mr Gordon Brown, to ensure that one is still the ceremonial head, and one to Charles each week when one teaches him patience…life is very long!)

SWITCH OFF

In this aspect one has acquired real expertise (“I am a pro at it,” one is tempted to say, but protocol always kept the Queen away from abbreviations and the first person). The Royal Palace has seen a 10 per cent reduction in electricity cost in the recent times. A well-known international magazine quoted one of the palace officials as saying: “The total ethos inside Buckingham Palace is saving money. If you don’t switch off lights in your office when you go to lunch, people will have a quiet word with you about wasting money.” You can try this at home too. Switch off the lights when you leave the room. Most saas bahu affairs are off air, give some rest to the television sets now. Turn off the computer (or as they say “comp”, or “PC”, which are prohibited in one’s vocabulary, again, as are too many exclamation marks) when you leave the workplace, the user after you would know how to turn it on. Use power-saving electrical gadgets like Compact Fluorescent Lighting instead of ordinary light bulbs, use central cooling system instead of multiple air conditioners or install solar panels on your rooftop to save energy and reduce consumption of non-renewable energy, clean your water heater and refrigerator from time to time to make it energy efficient and make use of them only when required and see your power bills go down. (Please do not exclaim then “How less it is!” For one appeals to you, in these trying times, to refrain from using the comparative degree when the more contained positive degree is required. “Little”, one stresses, will do, in more than one sense.)

CRUNCH COUTURE

Do not look at Cavalli and D&G this season, introduce your own line of recycled clothing as Prince Philip and one have done — Credit Crunch Couture. Raid your wardrobe and find things you labelled as outdated and redesign them. One used the grey and silver brocade given to one 20 years ago in the Middle East (which had been preserved in acid-free paper…now don’t ask what that costs!) to turn it into a gown for a state dinner in Slovenia. One knows how much the traditional Indian attire costs, one had ordered one for Liz Hurley’s wedding — alas, the invitation did not reach on time. So this wedding season go to the tailor at the street corner and turn that old sari into beautiful Indian eveningwear. There is also no harm in re-wearing something. One did that — one wore the same red coat that one wore for William’s graduation at Sandhurst. You can wear some of your granny’s clothing by simply redesigning them, a nip here, a tuck there. Prince Philip wears pants that are 51 years old. Extraordinary, the dashing blond boy he had been.

DITCH THE MERC

One is a tax-payer these days. Saving is important for one too. Stop driving around, take the public transport. The Duke of Edinburgh drives around London in an LPG-powered taxi cab. The Royal family is not only going green — though Prince Philip has his reservations about green shoes — “Never liked the fellow. Green shoes!” he can burst out any time — but is also trying to save the pennies. Not that one is entirely successful here. William’s use of the Royal Navy helicopters (well, one knows, it’s now called a chopper) to impress that young lady, Kate Middleton, is indeed bothersome and a matter of concern (more so, because one really doesn’t know what really is going on…are they still together? Maybe the government will inform one on that too). But my word of advice, use buses, trains, the tube (one means the Metro), and all other modes of cheap conveyance; one’s Royal office informs me your country has a wide choice when it comes to public commute, things like elephant backs and hand-pulled carts, which are adequately energy-saving devices depending if you are on top.

BUDGET BEAUTY

Let’s admit the truth, Diana was exceptionally beautiful. Spa or no spa she was gorgeous. So in times like these, when the financial forecast is gloomier than Britain’s winter, let’s try and do away with expensive beauty treatments. Instead you can try a few “do it yourself” beauty regimens that are easy to follow at home. One has been telling the same to Camilla, but she hardly listens! Deliberate ugliness, apparently, is the mark of the modern woman’s confidence. But you can go to the nearby beauty supply store, get the required supplies (or as they say “stuff”) and spend a quiet afternoon indulging yourself. Pedicures and manicures too can be done at home. What’s the big fuss? One has stopped counting one’s wrinkles, the Keeper of the Royal Privy Purse tells one it will cost the fortune of the United Kingdom to botox them!

VACATION VIEWS

Be wise, choose carefully and cautiously when you decide to holiday. One has stalled one’s “official visits” to the US, they cause Britons nervous breakdowns. The last time one went there it cost 44,000 pounds to hire a helicopter, chopper to you and the Americans, to the Kentucky Derby. Instead one is choosing destinations like Slovenia and Slovakia, which are comparatively easier on the taxpayer’s pocket. So if you had planned Singapore this year, think again, Sheoraphuli might be a better option. An hour’s drive and a picnic basket could just be the perfect family outing that you wanted to go for. You can even budget your weekend plans — rent a DVD instead of going to the theatre, cook an easy dinner at home rather than eating out. And make use of leftovers, one does it all the time. Well, there has to be a good reason why some Britons refer to one as the Tupperware Lady!

There are some other things. The Palace aid says that one has not redecorated the royal homes in years, yet there’s no difference. Don’t spend money on decor. Carry your own water. Don’t splurge at shopping malls. Use your credit card with discretion. Save some for the Queen as well and God save the Queen.

P.S. Actually, one need not plan family outings any more since Harry and William seem to spend their holidays at the London nightclubs.

What are some of thrifty measures you can think of? Tell t2@abpmail.com