I am a 52-year-old man. My wife has misappropriated a huge chunk of money from our joint accounts and original insurance policies. She is denying the fact and is also refusing to hand over the cheque books and pass books, which are still with her. She abuses me scornfully in front of our relatives. I want a legal annulment of our marriage either by divorce or by changing religion so that I can remarry. Please advise.

Name and address withheld

Legal annulment even after all this? Are you in denial? This woman hates you. If you were valuable, she would have killed you and you still want to explore legal options? Throw the bloody woman out; complain to the cops (not if you live in Calcutta since those guys are busy running cricket) and run for your life. Abuses you? I am surprised she hasn’t thrown acid on you or slapped you, you little loser; you glutton for punishment. You are everything a man shouldn’t be. God, they still make people like you?

My wife has been very vocal against — what she thinks is — my ogling women from the car’s rear- and side-view mirrors while driving. Nowadays, I fear even looking at the rear-view mirror whenever there’s a female motorist or pedestrian near our car. The worst part is that she raises her voice to get her point through even when our children are around. They can make out what’s going on and this hurts my self-esteem. I’m sick of telling her again and again not to do that but she just won’t listen. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Just remove the goddamn mirrors or better still get a driver or even better than all this — make sure that damn woman is never in the car. Look, the truth is most men use the rear-view mirror to ogle so she is not entirely at fault but then you are the kind of duffer who keeps getting caught!

I am a 19-year-old boy in love with a very close friend. I am scared that if she comes to know about my feelings, our friendship will come to an end. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Write a daily letter to me if that will make you happy son since obviously you don’t want to tell her about it. Or better still, if this girl is attractive, then give me her mobile number and I will be the go-between, but don’t blame me if she is so smitten by me that she runs away. Considering how little I get paid for writing this column, running away with a young girl may not be all that bad!

I am a 14-year-old girl. I have fallen in love with a 16-year-old boy. Though I didn’t tell him about my feelings, he found out through some common friends. Since then he has stopped talking to me. This is hurting me a lot. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Nothing. Find another, my child. He is obviously not in love with you; he wants to have nothing to do with you and he does not want you to get the impression that if he talks to you, you will believe it is love. Simply put, you’ve scared him shitless. Get it, girl?