(Court-room drama in progress...)

Sonali: My lord, this man is just impossible to talk to, leave alone have a family with. Of late, every minute spent at home is wasted in searching my clothes, purse, mobile inbox. He even goes through my make-up kit. He has no faith in me, whatsoever. All he has for me is suspicion! And that’s why I want a divorce!

Justice: Mr Partha Choudhury, do you have anything to say in your defence?

Partha: Ki aar bolbo, Syaaar? I am totally innocent. Actually, I am helpless, my lord. I am a policeman simply following my superior’s orders. In tough times such as these, I have to obey. Boro babu bolechhen, “Dorkar hole nijer bou-keo chharbe na. Search one. Search all. Remember Partha, duty is before beauty..!”

Early Bird..

So where have we parked ourselves after 26/11? Certainly not Park Street. The Manhattan of the east looks pretty deserted after 10 every night, I’m told. The watering holes seem to be drying up faster than expected. But then, wives are not complaining. And that’s because their darling hubbies are drinking less of that red wine, talking less of that red party and paying more heed to that red alert (and with Dr Ramadoss having already blessed us with the smoke-choke, we feel we’re on cloud nine). Driving back home early, having an early dinner with the family. Being more responsible. Wow!

“Tulsi gaachhe roj jol di maa, thakur obosheshe mukh tule cheyechhen,” gushes an overjoyed wife.

The vaastu shaastra of life teaches us that every thing existent on this planet has its pros and cons. And while terror continues to con our senses, it silently massages the other side. It’s never too bad after all. Kasav & Co. has managed to put many a family back together.

Whether it’s Ghosh babu returning to his nest early or 20,000 people getting together last Wednesday at Gateway of India to tell the world, “Yes, we are one big family!”

A modern poet takes pride in his verse...

Back home early, to wife and kid..

That’s one good thing the terror did…

But then not all are particularly happy with this sudden surge in social security. Especially the toad-faced corporate boss and his lissome, beautiful (‘dutiful’) escort. Imagine, just for some ‘harmless fun’ (hmmm... interesting), that too at one’s own expense, two mature adults are having to explain their ‘relationship’ before a bunch of over-inquisitive jokers at the reception desk of a hotel. Tsk! Tsk! What’s the hospitality industry coming to? On the other hand, the Barjatyas are khush. ‘Hum aapke hain kaun’ is once again a question to reckon with!

So all those routine ‘power lunches’ sadly have come to an abrupt end.

Asked to comment, the missus wipes her eyes with the pallu and croons, Mera Piya Ghar Aaya Ramji..!

The moral police smiles. Infidelity loses to In‘security’!

Safe Safai..

“What insecurity?”, Ghosh babu challenges, “Move over Lashkar-e-Toiba. I say, Al Qaida and all that jazz can take a walk down the Hooghly. Arre moshai, with Didi and her brothers around, who’s afraid of terror? Kake bhoy dekhachhe ora? In fact, Delhi should hire her services to combat terror. It’s high time we tell the Pakistani ISI, our indigenous ‘ISI-chhaap maara’ anti-terror missile is absolutely ready for combat. Debo naki chhaal chhariye, noon makhiye?”

Those concerned about Maradona’s security till last night were advised by Ghosh babu to just chill! “Arre kichhu hobe na... Onaake bole din.” He further wonders, why would these people be interested in terrorising Bengal in any case? We aren’t filthy rich like Delhi. We aren’t the sultans of capital like Mumbai or Hyderabad. We aren’t even a decent ‘Modi’-khana like Ahmedabad. Where’s the progress that these terror-mongers would want to stifle? Thankfully, we’ve been in the ‘red’ for over 30 years now. And Lord Buddha has been our brand ambassador for quite a long time. So... R.I.P. Bengal. And just forget about those SIM cards purchased from Free School Street!

So who’s more dangerous — SIM, SIMI or Garewal? Pardon me for my ‘carpet-bomb’-proof ignorance but what was that hue and cry the lady-in-white raised about declaring war on Pakistan? Ma’am, we do that quite often in cricket. But guns replacing runs? “Oh no.. Please..”, Inzy and his boys vehemently oppose the suggestion. “Hey, come on! Masha Allah, vee are playing vith suxaass in ICL. Masha Allah, vee are earning handsome moneys also. Masha Allah, kaafi shohrat naseeb hui hai hume. And after retiremants, for many of us, that iz remain the only sauce (!) of incomes. Kam se kam, pet pe to laath mat maaro yaaron..!"

So, let us all unite and stay united in fear of terror. Pakistani singers can continue singing for Bollywood. And Condoleeza Rice can continue making her unlimited appeals for peace. Thank you, Ma’am. We know how to take care of ourselves (Dekho ami baarchhi, Mummy). Our police force has never looked so responsible. Chunky metal detectors, Snoop Doggs (these don’t rap, they sniff and bark), hefty sand-bags, endless wireless, crackling walky talkies, patrol vans at regular intervals, daring commandos and sleepless night guards... We’re seeing them clearer. We’re hearing them louder. Probably a little more than expected. Sometimes at the right time. Sometimes not quite. Eyes wide open to pick the odd man out. Alert ears, trained to hear the odd beeeeeeeeep..!

So whatever it takes, just make sure you don’t beep!

Cause if you beep, you shall weep... Jump and leap.

And you behind bars, they shall keep... (how cheap..!)

(There you go... Terrible Poetry in Terror-stricken times! Call the police. Dial 100. Quick!)

Send your feedback and questions for Mir to t2mirspeak@gmail.com