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Survival strategies

I am a 23-year-old man. I used to behave like a girl during my childhood because apart from my father, there were no males in my family. Since then, people have started calling me a ‘gay’. Though now I have changed, people continue to say that I am gay. I am essentially straight, but am misunderstood. These days, I have started getting offers for one night stands from men. To add to my agony, my neighbours have started making fun of me and bully me all the time. All this is very annoying and making life hell for me. If this situation continues, I will be forced to commit suicide. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Why do you want to kill yourself and then again leave your family with just one male son? My suggestion is get yourself a girlfriend, a Rakhi Sawant type of woman who will publicly demonstrate her affection for you and then show the world what a man you are! If this does not work, then go on national television and proclaim to the world how homophobic you are. If this also does not work, then ask Mamata Banerjee to organise a hunger strike compelling everyone to refer to you as straight. Whatever straight means in these troubled times.

I am a 14-year-old girl. My problem is that my parents always compare me with my brother. My brother is a brilliant student, but I am below average. According to them, I will not be able to do anything in life. Because of this, I stay depressed all the time. My parents have lost all hopes of my becoming a doctor. I am scolded and shouted at everyday. I feel very depressed and discouraged. What should I do?

Diya, via e-mail

Just live like a depressed vegetable. Because of cowards like you, this seems to be the easy way out! Look, you have to get a grip on your life. Your parents are duffers. It is not just a competence thing. It is also a damn gender issue and they are too goddamn stupid to admit to this. My suggestion is don’t give a damn about what they say. Go ahead and do what you want with your life. Just ignore their barbs and carry on with life. There will come a time when they will stop. Simple. This is what needs to be done.

I am a 20-year-old man pursuing my graduation. I have been into a long-distance affair with a girl for the past three years. However, I recently heard that she married someone else. When I last met her, she had promised to wait for me. I am finding it tough to accept that she has got married to someone else. Ever since I came to know of this, I have become very extremely depressed and am having sleepless nights. Please help .

Name and address withheld

Sleeplesss nights, you dolt? What did you expect her to do? Wait for you in the post? Or marry you at the nearest DHL office? Obviously these long distance thingies never work. They are pleasure relationships if at all, never serious ones, my child. My submission is instead of being sleepless at night, go out and hunt for someone who lives in the same city. But the dolt that you seem to be, you’d be better off if you found someone who lives in the next house because as losers go, you take the cake, son!

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