Manmohan-Karat

1 The PM must never give an honest interview (especially not to The Telegraph) about how he feels about the Left; Karat must never give an angry interview (especially not to The Telegraph) about how he feels about the PM.

2 The word nuclear must be changed in the N-deal. The Left would not oppose a P-deal; the PM would not mind more Power to the government.

3 Congress naughty boys must stop referring to the CPM boss as a “22-Karat pain”; CPM mischief-makers must stop singing “Singh isn’t King” (and no pelvic thrusts, please).

4 Prakash’s boss at home — Brinda — and the PM’s boss in office — Sonia — must in future be the face of any debate between the Left and the Congress (it’s the TRP, silly).

5 Taking a cue from marriages being saved by courts in Calcutta, Manmohan Singh and Prakash Karat must be sentenced to a one-night stay in a hotel room. If they emerge alive the morning after, it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Salman-Katrina

1 He must learn to look and cook, walk and talk, dance and dare like Akshay; she must learn to flutter her eyelashes and giggle like Aishwarya.

2 He must learn to keep his baniyan on him; she must learn to keep Akshay off her.

3 He must dump his Boston-meets-Bandra accent so that she gets what he’s saying; she must dump her Belfast-doesn’t-meet-Bandra accent so that he gets what she’s saying.

4 He must stop cracking those juvenile locker-room jokes on 10 Ka Dum; she must stop endorsing corny products like Aamsutra.

5 They must sign the same films so that he starts dancing like her, she starts acting like him, their careers crash-land and they end up home alone (with each other, of course).

Shahid-Kareena

1 He should have been less of a poodle and more of a man; she should have been less of a princess and more of a woman in love.

2 He should have spent less time lifting weights and more time lifting her; she should have spent less time checking out other options and more time telling him ‘lift kara de’.

3 He should have been a carnivore with a colourful past rather than a squeaky-clean vegetarian; she should have explained to him what kind of meat she was giving up for his sake.

4 He should not have left his love life to kismat connection; she should have stuck to substance over tashan (style, dumbo).

5 He should not have been a Kapur; she should not have been a Kapoor.

Mukesh-Anil

1 They must go jogging together in the morning (and Anil will stop and help when Mukesh is out of breath).

2 They must become the co-owners of Mumbai Indians (and Mukesh will allow Anil to decide on the celeb and non-celeb cheerleaders).

3 They must encourage Nita and Tina to spend girlie time together (and Nita must allow Tina use of her birthday jet).

4 They must host a joint reception for the reunion of the Gandhis and the Bachchans (Kokilaben, Amitabh, Sonia and Jaya should be at one table); (Priyanka, Rahul, Abhishek and Aishwarya at another).

5 They must act in Ram Gopal Varma’s next remake of Sholay as Jai and Veeru (neither will die in the end; they will fly into the sunset on a Reliance jet singing Yeh dosti, hum nahin todenge).

Ferguson-Ronaldo

1 Sir Alex must go to a shrink and learn how to create stars and then not cry foul when they start behaving like stars.

2 Ronaldo must go back to school for lessons in language (“slavery” does not mean being paid 30 million pounds to do the thing you want) and manners (winking, diving, cheating and whining are not part of the beautiful game).

3 Sir Alex must have a heart-to-heart with Beckham about why he left Man U for Real M (in a room with no boots).

4 Ronaldo must have a heart-to-heart with some greats of the game who will tell him he is good, but not that good.

5 Sir Alex and Ronaldo must agree on appointing Bipasha Basu the motivational expert of Man U.