The world’s sexiest man (yes, Brad, Matt and Matthew, live with it) is on the market again. George Clooney has recently ended his year-long relationship with Sarah Lawson. How we wish we could have a fighting chance to win him over. Distance (we flatter ourselves this is the only factor) is what keeps us from speaking with the man with cool and a conscience, so we have had to settle for this imaginary conversation with Clooney, which borrows lines from his movies, interviews, and on a few occasions, doesn’t hesitate to make things up...

Us: So, we are so sorry to hear that you and Sarah Lawson didn’t work out. To quote Rusty Ryan in Ocean’s 13, relationships can be…

Clooney: Sure.

But they’re also…

That’s right.

And is it true that you don’t want to get married, ever again?

Ask Nicole Kidman.

Why, are you marrying her?

No. I would have, but she is having someone else’s baby. She paid me $10,000.

To marry you?

No. When she lost a bet that I would be married by age 40.

So, no marriage then. But can we assume that you are on the market for another woman?

Rather than talk about who I’m dating, let’s talk about saving lives.

Saving lives? Whatever for?

It’s a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.

Well, if you put it that way, will you be coming to Calcutta? There are plenty of illogical women here who would love to have a romp in the… erm… chambers of your heart.

Well, it didn’t look like a two-horse town, but try finding a decent hair jelly.

Sorry?

My hair. It takes a lot of work to make it look this good. A lot of jelly. Plus, I don’t think it can stand the humidity.

But, but…

I detect, like me, you’re endowed with the gift of gab.

But your agent told me that you are sick of Lake Como and wanted to relocate…

This is why Superman works alone.

So then you won’t be coming to Calcutta?

Sure, why not?

Oh… But you… Never mind. Would you be looking to adopt?

Like Brad and Angelina? Sure.

Really?

Yeah, I want to adopt a 23-year-old.

Huh?

You really should consider a career in public speaking. At first, I was thinking of abducting one of the Brangelina twins. They have too many brats anyway. Then I considered taking in Britney, but she told me I was too old.

Old?

Do I look 50 to you?

Not at all. Would that increase my chances of meeting you?

Only if you watch Batman & Robin, back to back, 13 times.

No! Anything but that!

Well then you aren’t the one I am looking for.

Who are you looking for?

Tenzing Norgay.

Uh, he’s dead.

The metaphorical Tenzing Norgay. The one who helps me climb Mt Everest — once again, a metaphor.

Metaphor for what? Bringing peace to Darfur?

That, and finding someone who likes Batman & Robin.

Not again! How about The Peacemaker? I might be able to help there…

My second least favourite for sure. But, no. It has to Batman. I can’t stand being worse than Val. Keaton I’ll live with. Val, no.

Is that a tear in your eye?

No, I mean, yeh, I mean, um, I just bit into a pepper.

Let’s move on to cheerier subjects. How does it feel to be called the sexiest man alive?

Two times! Two times!

Yes. Two times.

Great, but since Brad has equalled it, I have been thinking about returning the crown.

I didn’t realise it came with a crown.

It doesn’t. But you know, metaphorically. And Susan Sarandon’s guest bathroom is getting too crowded with her own awards, so she won’t take any of mine in. I’ve got no time for her, or that Blanchett girl. Too many awards by far. Show offs.

There is plenty of room in my bathroom…

Really? Now that might be an offer I can’t refuse.

What would you say to George Clooney if you met him?
Tell t2@abpmail.com