Bat obsession: Mark Ramprakash (left) with Sir Gulam and Lady Mohini Noon

The return of our very own bat man

The number of cricket bats that the businessman Gulam Noon has in his personal collection exceeds the number of first class centuries that even the prolific Mark Ramprakash has scored — though not by very much.

Last week at an auction held at the Bombay Brasserie restaurant for Ramprakash’s “testimonial” year, Noon paid £650 for a bat that had been signed by the Indian team that toured England in 2007.

As his son-in-law and Bombay Brasserie manager, Arun Harnal, showed off the bat, Noon told me proudly: “This is my 104th bat.”

Noon also successfully bid £700 to have a bat made to his own specifications by “master bat makers” Gray-Nicolls at their workshop in Robertsbridge, East Sussex.

(Here, I have to admit that when my son was two or three years old, I bought him his first Gray-Nicolls, subscribing to the philosophy that it is never too early to start. Since a size one was not available in sports shops I had to buy the bat from Robertsbridge. Today, my excessively tolerant wife has made a sort of flower arrangement by piling his 20 odd bats into a large basket in the front room. The only drawback is that the said son is a lot keener on cycling, swimming, diving, running, rugby, etc.)

When Noon acquires his hand-made Gray-Nicolls, it will be his 105th.

“My oldest bat,” he said wistfully, “was signed by the Australian team, who were playing at Trent Bridge, on June 26, 1926.”

Noon, patron of Ramprakash’s testimonial year, declared: “Mark Ramprakash is the best batsman of his generation.” He was certainly the most prolific in English domestic cricket two seasons running. In 2006, he scored 2,278 runs for Surrey, with eight centuries and a highest score of 301 not out, at a Bradmanesque average of 103.54. He was again the most successful last year when he got 2,026 runs, with 10 centuries, at an average of 101.30.

He begins the 2008 season, with 97 first class centuries to his credit.

Bollywood dreams? (Right to left) Mark Ramprakash with cricketers Mark Butcher and Alec Stewart and former Rugby player Will Carling.

Making the mark

What next for Mark Ramprakash, who at 38, cannot be too optimistic about playing Test cricket for England again? His admirers say he certainly has the dashingly handsome looks necessary for Bollywood. He also showed he can dance by winning the BBC’s Come Dancing competition in 2006.

“I have an open mind,” responded Ramprakash when I asked about Bollywood.

What about Twenty20 in the IPL?

The idea appeals to him, “though I have to be careful what I say — for the moment I am loyal to Surrey”.

Mark was born in Bushey, Hertfordshire, on September 5, 1969. His mother is British, and his father, Deo, is of Indian origin from Guyana.

“His family came from UP,” said Ramprakash.

Like so many surrounded by glamour, the silly boy would be the first to admit he has made a bit of a mess of his private life. He and his wife, Vandana, who have two daughters, Cara and Anya, separated earlier this year. There was plenty of stuff in the papers about a six-year relationship, now ended, with a single mother of one, Sadia Saleem.

Ramprakash told a Sunday newspaper, “I am distraught at the grief I have caused my wife and family, whom I love very much,” and his lawyer added, “He realises he was being very foolish.”

One hopes he can find a new sense of direction if he spends a little more time rediscovering his Indian roots.

Ruthless: Jeroo Roy’s painting

Jeroo’s jeera

Jeero Roy’s painting, “Not sparing the Rod” (my suggestion for a title), was inspired by meetings with three women’s groups in Calcutta and an article in The Telegraph in India on January 18, 2004.

“My painting is a silly and absurd reply to equally absurd but dangerous suggestions made by the Imam Mohammad Kamal Mustafa in his book, Women in Islam, about how and on which parts of the body a man can beat up his wife,” says Jeroo, a London-based artist.

The Imam lives in Spain, where he was sentenced to 15 months in prison for encouraging violence against women even though he had urged men to use only a light rod and avoid targeting “sensitive areas”.

Jeero’s painting has been shown at the Nehru Centre in London and by Amnesty International in Oxford, where “the reaction has been one of utter disbelief from whoever saw the painting and read the text (from The Telegraph).”

“I would like to buy the Imam’s book on the black market,” jokes Jeroo, who seems blessed with a wicked sense of humour. “I don’t think the Imam would want to buy my painting, more likely he may decide to put a fatwa on me for showing him with a nude woman.”

Censored: Pimmi Pande

Tibet turning

Possibly not wishing to upset the Chinese, six years ago the BBC turned down Destiny’s Children, made by Pimmi Pande, a documentary film-maker in London.

In it, younger Tibetans, who consider the Dalai Lama to be too moderate, hinted some were even considering using suicide bombings at the Beijing Olympics to draw attention to their cause.

The documentary was due to be shown at the Singapore Film Festival but mysteriously got pulled at the last minute.

“Some of the older Tibetans were offended by Destiny’s Children,” admits Pimmi (who happens to be the daughter of the Bollywood director, Vinod Pande, who has made such films as Sins, Yeh Nazdeekiyan and Ek Baar Phir).

She says: “There is a generation divide between Tibetans — the young people, particularly those born in exile, want outright independence, while the elders support the Dalai Lama’s more pragmatic approach. However, if you were to really pin down the elder generation, all they would say is ‘Free Tibet’ — some may not even understand the difference between autonomy and independence, they just want ‘freedom’. But they revere the Dalai Lama and follow him regardless.”

Britain’s dilemma is similar to that of India — how to enhance business with Beijing while persuading China it is in its interest to do a deal on Tibet while the Dalai Lama, now 72, is still alive.

It is to Gordon Brown’s credit that despite Chinese fury he has agreed to meet the Dalai Lama in London in May. I have interviewed the Dalai Lama on several occasions, including once in a marathon session at his home in Mcleodganj. He is, I think, the noblest man I have met.

Tittle tattle

The British media and the judge, Mr Justice Bennett, in the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce case are agreed on one thing: that Heather Mills is a nasty piece of work.

Mills, who wanted £125m, got £24.3m, but that still works out to over £17,000 a day for her four-year-marriage, as the tabloids have been quick to point out. Some are estimating it cost the former Beatle £70,000 every time he slept with his wife.

The judge said: “In January 2001 they went for a whole month to India and whilst in Jaipur the husband ‘secretly’ bought a sapphire and diamond engagement ring for the wife.”

I knew somewhere deep down India was to blame.