Grooming classes

Ma-in-law Jaya Bachchan has urged Aishwarya to personally keep a check on the progress of the school once it starts. The Bachchan bahu can take it a step further by conducting special grooming classes herself. The syllabus will include Aishwarya teaching the young girls of Barabanki how to:

• Put on the right make-up to be the international face of India;

• Keep fathers-in-law (aka, “Pa”) happy and their skin glowing;

• Make mothers-in-law disappear;

• Develop the touch-me-not arrogant air, while giggling all the time;

• Perfect a fake American accent;

• Look like a wax statue, but better than the one installed at Madame Tussauds. (Father-in-law Amitabh Bachchan can pitch in while this one is being taught. Husband Abhishek can talk about how to be the perfect accessory to one’s spouse).

Moral values

Every member of the Bachchan family can take on the onus of teaching one aspect of this subject.

• Big B and Amar Singh can join hands to deliver a lecture on undying friendship, singing Yeh dosti hum nahi todenge all the while.

• Bachchan Senior can also teach a chapter on humility for which he can quote from his own interviews.

• Jaya Bachchan can talk about adapting to a vegetarian husband who is a foot taller.

• Abhishek Bachchan can talk about his Idea(s).

• Aishwarya can talk about the goodness inherent in clothes designed by Neeta Lulla.

• The entire family, Amar Singh in tow, can also take “the family that prays together, stays together” classes, speaking about the art of temple-hopping and its beneficial effect on being in the family way.

The ex-factor

Every Bachchan can put his or her personal experience to use while teaching this subject. While Aishwarya can talk about Salman Khan and Viveik, Abhishek can cite the examples of Karisma, Dipannita and Rani. Bachchan Senior can go on and on about Rekha. Or is she not an ex? Jaya can frown throughout.

Farming

The Big B will include this subject in the curriculum just to prove to his detractors that things are not what they seem. He will prove to them that he is a true “farmer” by holding classes on farm management. He will lecture on animals, on fertilisers, on seeds. There will be practical classes where he will till the land himself. He will lecture on the art of using the plough. He always looked good as a dehati.

Marathi

Even though the school is in Uttar Pradesh, to ward off further evil, Marathi will be made compulsory. Raj Thackeray will be invited to deliver guest lectures. He will accept the offer.

Chemistry

Ash can take a special class on chemistry — between her and Hrithik Roshan. That, as everyone who has watched Jodhaa Akbar knows, is more important than history.

What other subjects would you like to be taught at this school? Tell t2@abpmail.com