Akshay Kumar with sisters Malaika Arora Khan and Amrita Arora in Heyy Babyy. Front or back?

In a bid to popularise the turban among Sikh youngsters, the Akal Purkh Ki Fauj is set to organise a Mr Singh International Contest in Chandigarh. t2 explores possible contests for other Indian males:

Rahul

The contestants: He is young, sexy and quite likely to be Shah Rukh Khan in Dil To Pagal Hai. And many other movies (as SRK himself admits in Om Shanti Om).

Judges: Who better to judge than the makers of Rahul? There’ll be Yash Chopra, SRK, Karan Johar, Farah Khan and her newborn triplets.

Talent rounds: The swim-wear will have Rahuls strutting about in trunks showing off their six–pack. There will be a DKNY round and a Blackberry round. The best Rahul will not know the Hindi words for Mom, Sweetheart and Sis, but his songs will be “Maahi Ve”, “Maahiya”, “Soniya” and “Kudiye”.

Contest motto: “Hi I’m Rahul. Naam to sunaa hoga.”

The Flirt

The contestants: In India, all smooth dapper men who crack jokes that compare women with cars or leer at women or are surrounded by women. Or not so smooth or dapper men who can’t keep their minds or eyes or hands off women.

Judges: Akshay Kumar (in most films), K.P.S. Gill and Lord Krishna.

Talent round: All flirts will have to showcase their special charms, which are allowed to be slightly abusive towards women. Should be allowed to pounce on women uninvited or pinch their bottoms, for that passes off as male sex appeal.

Contest motto: “Aati kya Khandala?”

The Whisky Drinker

The contestants: Brawny, brooding men of few words. Men who have their Scotch on the rocks as well as those who have India made foreign liquor in Patiala pegs without knowing which is which.

Judges: Dharmendra (in Sholay; we are not saying in real life).

Talent round: No words. Just heavy breathing.

Contest motto: “Soo-cide! Soo-cide!”

The Metrosexual

The contestants: Most male models, designers, actors, film directors (where would we put KJo otherwise?) or men related to the beauty business.

Judges: Shah Rukh Khan, Upen Patel and Rahul Khanna (or is he just plain sexual?)

Talent round: The man who would look good in a pink suit, a hint of perfume and a diamond pendant and yet not make it look like drag.

Contest motto: “I’m comfortable with my feminine side.”

The Family Man

The contestants: The cool daddy who perennially plays basketball with his kids or joins them in their summer camp celebrations. The cool daddy who loves it when his little boy — but why is it always his little boy? — drops in at the office. The doting husband who prepares tea for his wife before she leaves for work. Most likely to wear chinos paired with a powder blue shirt and a smart black belt and look like actor Rajat Kapoor. Mostly found in ads.

Judges: Women who know — Mandira Bedi, Shobhaa De and Rekha.

Talent round: Everyone will have to submit a short essay on what secret desires each has.

Contest motto: “Big boys play at home.”

The NRI

The contestants: When he is abroad, he is the clean-shaven dude with pink cheeks, a razor-cut, low-waist jeans and a faded Gap T-shirt. Some might even sport a stylish French-cut. At the pageant, however, he will sport a bling bling sherwani with mojris and a dhoti-kurta look. And perhaps a stubble. Will speak Hindi with an American accent. The idea is to showcase the best of both worlds.

Judges: Vikram Chatwal, Laxmi Niwas Mittal and Gurinder Chadha.

Talent round: The winner will come up with the biggest, fattest Indian wedding plan in a Rajasthan five-star.

Contest motto: “Bade bade deshon mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hain.”