Shah Rukh Khan recently incurred the wrath of the BCCI, which alleged that the actor was using the matches to promote OS0. SRK hit back saying he didn’t need the pitch as a platform to promote his film. But using the galleries to grab attention isn’t such a bad idea. Here’s how some city favourites could use the (for once) empty Eden to unfurl themselves during the India vs Pakistan Test. A t2 potshot...

Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee: The beleaguered CM could clear the air on a number of things and redeem himself before India, Pakistan and Nandan Nilekani. At lunchtime, in a chat with Navjyot Singh Sidhu (specially flown in for the BB Big Bite), he could clarify his message on the “Us vs Them” issue. What he meant was not “Us vs Them”, but “Them vs Us”. It means that he put “Them” first, not “Us”, and there is no conflict anywhere in the state of Bengal. And when he said that “They” have been paid back in “their” own coin, he was thinking of American businessmen and dollars. To which Sidhu would come up with a Sidhuism: “Workers of Bengal, you have nothing to lose but your land, just like the cricketers of Pakistan have nothing to lose but their balls — and bats!”

Taslima Nasreen: The writer could appear dressed as Biman Bose, which would serve him right and pay him back in his own coin, and then recite these lines from Jibanananda Das, from Banalata Sen: “Hajar bochhor dhore aami poth hantitechhi prithibir pothe… Ami klanto pran ek, chari dike jibaner samudra sophen, Amare dudondo shanti diyechhilo Natore-er Banalata Sen” (I have travelled the world for thousands of years… I am a tired soul, all around me leap the foaming waves of life,/ Only Banalata Sen of Natore gave me relief from the strife).” She would wait for Sourav to come in to bat before revealing herself and Calcutta would instantly forgive her, for it can’t resist any one quoting Jibanananda and clapping for Sourav.

Usha Uthup: Anything spirited at Calcutta without the other Didi is incomplete. So Ushadi stands at the podium in her Kanjivaram and asks: “Whose Kanjivaram is prettier, mine or Rekha’s?” At every four from the Indian side, she grabs the mike, says, “C for Calcutta, C for Cricket and C for Culture”, and points at her bindi… it has “C” inscribed on it, instead of the usual “K”. But when Pakistan takes a wicket she will quickly switch back to “K” — for Karachi.

Kapil Dev: The last man the BCCI wants to see at the Eden this weekend can slip into the giant stadium in disguise. If Paaji gives his trusted Palmolive the miss for a few days, he will look more Kapil muni than Kaps and so before the CAB control room can scan the hidden cameras and say “Orey dekh, Kopiler moton dekhte lok!”, India’s only World Cup-winning captain will be in. Once seated, he will hold up banners screaming “No Kapil, No Test”; “BCCI Go Back”, “ICL Da Jawaab Nahin”, “Pawar Don’t Play”, “Ditch BCCI, Date Kareena” (script-writer: Ajay Jadeja).

Rituparna Sengupta: Her Hindi film Gauri opened on Friday — and this is her chance for great publicity. Rituparna should turn up in a sari — not in those leather minis and chunky belts, please, and that cloud of streaked hair — and a big bindi and bun (to go with the Bangali boudi image while Dada is batting) and cheer for Team India. Not only Sourav, but all of India. For she is not just a Bengal beauty — it’s high time people acknowledged the light-eyed lass, well, lady, was a national actress, not just a Bengali one! Once established as a national actress, she can return to her original leather minis and chunky belts and that cloud of streaked hair at Tolly studios. What will she say at Eden? Preferably nothing at all.

Mamata Banerjee: She would seize the occasion, of course, for that’s how she treats all occasions, and dance in a row of empty streets in the stadium to say why she calls a bandh a “Bangla achal” nowadays. Bandh means a shutdown, which sends a bad message to the industry, but “achal” means “immobilised”, which means things can pick up again any time the Trinamul chief thinks that public opinion is going too much against her for calling too many bandhs. It’s easier to convert an indefinite “achal obostha” to a one-day occasion than to withdraw an indefinite bandh. “Achal” sounds more pretty and trendy and suits GeNext — and the condition of Team Pakistan — better.

Aparna Sen: The film director could hold a placard saying “Better Late Than Never”, explaining why she took so long to take a stand against the Left government. She can then give an interview to Rameez Raja on how the recent violence in the state has put democracy in danger and how a Pervez Musharraf is preferable to a Buddhababu. At this point her voice is likely to tremble. She can also demand in a rage: “Are we living in the Middle Ages?” Then she can talk fleetingly about her next film, The Japanese Wife.

P.C. Sorcar: In full regalia and with daughters in tow, the biggest name in Indian magic is at the stadium. He will make a short speech. “I am not David Copperfield. I perform magic, not illusions, like Mr Copperfield. Real magic is an art, but Mr Copperfield’s magic is television. He is just special effects, I am real. He is the West, I am the East and never the twain shall meet. Illusion artists have people to design their magic, we do it ourselves. They are fake, we are real. Like Shoaib is special effects, Sachin is real. Magic is real here. Things can’t be arranged like that,” he will say, and make the stadium disappear for one whole minute, with the crowd, players and all. But no one watching at home will ever know, for an inevitable commercial break would be on, showing the magician munching on his favourite biscuit.

Suvaprasanna: He has done it at cultural shows, he has done it at musical concerts and now he will go for the cricket stadium. Suvaprasanna likes to take the canvas out of the studio and plant it right into the middle of a live audience. At Eden Gardens, he can draw something that is already everywhere — himself. When the camera pans towards him, we will see him in trademark ankle-touching kurta and flowing beard, trying to contemplate himself in front of an easel, with a crow perched on it. That will be the Portrait of an Artist as a Shutter-Happy Old Man. It will be printed everywhere.

Dona Ganguly: This could be the perfect platform for Dona to come out of Sourav Ganguly’s shadow, while he is out there in the middle, and claim her place in the stadium sun — as an Odissi dancer of course. She could show the world that her life is not all about watching over her husband and trying not to get in his way after hours of being photographed at airports with eyes sleepy and hair awry. It is also about him watching her in action. And who knows, on a good day for her and a bad day for him, the crowd might prefer to watch her footwork than his!