He: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

She: No, it was plain bad luck!!!

He wants Tandoori, she wants Chinese. He wants to watch the match, she the latest rom-com. He wants to hit the pub, she wants a candle-lit dinner. Men are from Mars, women from Venus. Yet destiny requires them to be together on Earth. Naturally, some serious clash, some tu-tu main-main is unavoidable when Hum meets Tum. The battle of the sexes is as old as Adam and Eve, or at least Congreve’s The Way of the World, where Mirabell and Millamant lock their wits, to be followed by the Lockhorns in a later century. But the areas of conflict are continuously shifting, as is the weaponry.

While earlier the war would often be a social game between the man and the woman, a battle of wits to preserve the tension between desire and honour, to reconcile independence in a woman with beauty and desirability and submissiveness, and sensitivity in a man with his duty to be the dominating sex, the parameters today are widely different. They are homespace, work, division of labour, priorities, advantages, attitudes or working the ATM. And one key terrain where the battle is being played out is jokes, the ones that surreptitiously land in your mailbox while you are sleeping.

But often, it’s the women who are hitting back.

Why are men happier people, asks a joke. Same work, more pay — is one of the 20-odd reasons. Also the fact that your last name stays put and the world is your urinal. “I think at the bottom of their hearts, every man would like his wife to be at home,” says Kakali Bhattacharyya, a consultant in her mid-30s, married and mother of two. The resentment pours out well from the jokes — as in this one.

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.” She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for the next morning... The list goes on. Moral of the story — Wonder why women live longer...? ’CAUSE THEY ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL... (and they can’t die sooner, they still have things to do!!!!)

But it’s not enough if women go on working, at office and home. Women find themselves labouring under the ominous shadow of their mothers-in-law, who remains the ideal woman for the son (it’s not limited to Bengali families and warning: this is a long joke in rhymes).

He didn’t like the curry/ And he didn’t like my cake/He said my biscuits were too hard/ Not like his mother used to make/I didn’t prepare the coffee right/ He didn’t like the stew/ I didn’t mend his socks/ The way his mother used to do./

I pondered for an answer/ I was looking for a clue/ Isn’t there anything I could do/ To match his mothers shoe/ Then I smiled as I saw light/ One thing I could definitely do/ I turned around and slapped him tight/ Like his mother used to!!!

“Men would basically want their wives to be like their mothers, but they never think they are good enough,” laughs Somini Sen Dua, mother of one. “Today women are smart. They have learnt to balance office with the responsibilities of the house and the family. So the men don’t have a reason to complain. But yes, if office means not having time for home, then the men would definitely have a problem with that,” says Paromita Ghosh, a public relations entrepreneur.

It’s not just in the kitchen, the contemporary woman minds the fact that even in laying the table or washing the shirt men lag behind. “One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’ ‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’ He yelled back: ‘University of Oklahoma.’ And they say blondes are dumb...” We don’t expect the men to laugh at this one.

Women are hitting back at the age-old anti-woman jokes, too, turning the stereotypes on their head, often accusing men of the same inadequacies that women were thought to have in their DNA. Women are challenging men on their “core competencies”: their ability to deal with the material world, to think straight, to be good at business.

For the male joke that says that Adam settled for a partner made out of a rib because he couldn’t afford the better parts, the woman says: “What did god say after creating man? I can do better.” For the male joke that claims when a person underwent a sex change to become a woman, he had not only his genitals cut off, but also half his brain and salary, the woman joke goes: “What are the two reasons why men don’t mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.” Or, “Why are dumb blonde women jokes so short? Because men can only understand short and stupid jokes.” For the boys’ joke that goes: “How many women does it take to change a light bulb? Ten to 11 to form a committee and one to get her boyfriend to do it,” the girl retorts: “How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don’t know... it’s never happened!”

Men are being challenged on their sense of direction too, something women are said to be born without. “A blonde guy was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said ‘DISNEYLAND LEFT’. After thinking for a minute, he said to himself ‘Oh well!’ and turned around and drove home!”

Not that men are taking it lying down. The gender war erupts on a website that opens its turf to the best anti-woman or anti-man jokes. “How can you tell if your wife is dead?” asks the first volunteer. “The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.” Men still seem to have a deep problem with women moving outside the kitchen – and other “traditional” domains. The result is trouble.

The retaliation is swift. “To re-dress the balance,” the second volunteer starts to shoot: “Why are men like toilets? They’re vacant, engaged or full of crap. Why is it better for a woman to have bigger breasts than brains? Because men see better than they think. What do you call the useless bit of skin attached to a penis? A man. What do men and kitchen flooring have in common? You lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for years. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.”

Things have taken a nasty turn. “How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two, but you have to slice them very thinly,” goes another.

Men are desperate that the same old stereotypes persist in the shape of new jokes. Here’s a new sample:

His and hers ATMs

HIS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

HERS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Hunt for card in purse

6. Insert card

7. Hunt in purse for gum wrapper with PIN number written on it…

To which a woman could probably say something like: “What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.”

But since the battle of the sexes is never meant to end, let’s not decide who has the last word.