1) You are invited to cake-mix

Of late it is happening in city hotels or restaurants in the run-up to Christmas (which starts pre-Puja). It is not so much about culinary sense but about a dash of celebrity. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves, wear a cap and plunge your gloved hands into a tub of dry fruits and nuts.

Of course, you have to flash that smile, say the flavours are intoxicating and voice your impatience for Christmas, as the crowd (read: the hosts and a host of photographers) cheers you on.

It works better if you are one half of a celeb couple — you an actor, she a singer; you a painter, he a social activist — and the other half has joined hands with you there, plumbing the depths of the mixing bowl. It doesn’t matter if you do not know how to even roll a roti at home, for as the patron saint of P3Ps Marie Antoinette pronounced long ago: Who needs bread if one has cake?

2) You go for a sudden makeover

A quick and radical image-change when least expected can be the magic mantra for a longer stint in the limelight.

Hop over to the boutique you’ve never shopped from, colour, grow or highlight your hair and pick up some extraordinary accessories. If you are the “different”, arty type, you are most likely to don a turban. At least go for a cap or a hairband. If you are a light-eyed film actress trying desperately to reclaim lost glory, you are likely to go for a wild, abundant hairstyle last seen on Tarzan.

You may also dump the choli for the halter neck. Make sure you are with the right people at the right place and the right time. If the flash-bulbs still don’t start going off, you know it’s time for a facelift. You need a nose job and Botox.

3) You are invited to host or perform at awards shows

Award or no award, you know you have arrived in the city if you find yourself prancing on the stage at awards functions, even if it is only Tollywood. Taking up the challenge of entertaining guests through an unending flow of inane jokes or dancing to the old, old Uttam-Suchitra number, which can only look like a parody even when it’s most earnest, shows that you are brave and confirms your celeb potential.

4) You are invited by NGOs to act as their ambassador

It can really boost your star brand and distinguish you. You find yourself paying periodic visits to thalassaemia patients or cancer institutes. Breast cancer draws a lot of celebs. So do AIDS awareness, human trafficking and walkathons and marathons — all for a cause!

You will be required to be present at news conferences on all these issues and speak very highly of the NGO concerned. You may arrive late, but not late enough for the photographers to leave. It will be better if you donate a part of your earnings to the cause (even if that happens to be your appearance fee paid by the NGO!). You are also likely to appear in a music video espousing the cause.

5) You are asked to launch...

...a nightspot, a Puja pandal, a dog show, a book, a shopping mall, a music album, a magazine, a restaurant, an art exhibition and a website.

They are all the same. You also say the same thing everywhere, about how the nightspot/Puja pandal/shopping mall/restaurant is a celebration of life and embodies the true spirit of the city.

The celebs who launch are the same too — you may be substituted by another and no one will notice the difference.

6) You are asked over to adda sessions, on television...

...during the Pujas, or the Bengali New Year or at the Calcutta Book Fair. You wear a traditional taanter sari or a kantha-stitch kurta with large motifs of fish and boats, and usually sit cross-legged on the stage and talk about who was your “prothom prem” and what you prefer to eat on Ashtami — luchi aar payesh or pulao-mangsho?

Your prose will be punctuated frequently by the famous and indefatigable Rabindrasangeet singer. So feel free to interrupt her, strum a guitar or go on about Calcutta and Calcuttans: do anything under the sun but just make sure you let your passion for whatever and the Bangaliyana show.

7) You are the judge on a talent show

Zeroing in on an impressive roster of celebrities is as important as the oddball characters who appear on these talent shows. It doesn’t matter if your verdict is overruled by a torrent of SMS votes. You still remain a celeb. Just practise before the mirror how to squabble with your co-judges without laughing out loud and you will be called on another show too!

8) You are…

...but here we run out of ways to be a celeb in Calcutta. Critics still call it a small town.

You know you’re famous globally, or at least in India, when you:

Use numerology to modify your name

Strut down the ramp even if you’re not a model

Lend your name to a perfume

Launch a music album, host a painting exhibition or dare to display talents that have been latent until now

Hook up with a celeb after ditching another

Play hide and seek with the paparazzi

Find the Internet search engine prompting your name as you type in the first letter

Suffer an income-tax raid

Make a dramatic comeback for a more fruitful second innings in your career

Find your sculpture in a wax museum

Start your own specialty restaurant with your own name or a bizarre theme.