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The search engine is hopelessly busy. But Uncyclopedia, a website that dares to spoof Wikipedia (as a little too earnest), goes one step forward. It lays down the rules on how to be lazy. The idea is that today you do nothing much — and do that beautifully. Remember, this is your only chance to conserve energy and save the environment.
“The way to play Lazy is simple. Everything you need to do it is right at your fingertips,” says Uncyclopedia. “First, get into a horizontal position. Next, refuse to do anything yourself.”
The guide goes on to say that judges award more points for laziness if you start off with a drink and make someone else fill it again for you, then leave it for them to clean up.
Bonus points are awarded for getting somebody to get the TV remote for you.
For optimum laziness, the lazy person will surround himself with a laptop, a portable fridge, a remote, and a servant. If he doesn’t have a servant, a little brother or sister or annoying roommate will do, the website recommends.
We add a few strategies, from real life laziness experts, which will make the person watching you believe that he would be better off waiting at the dentist’s chamber or watching paint dry.
Tips on how to spend Lazy Day.
 Don’t brush your teeth. Get some toothpaste in and rinse your mouth.
Tuck your shoelaces in, don’t tie them. Pull your shirt from over your head. Sixteen-year old Ankur Dey does just that. “I don’t unbutton my shirt; I simply pull it over my head,” he says.
Keep your hand fixed on the mouse and keep staring at the screen. It gives you a sense of peculiar peace. Only if you really can’t avoid it any more, move the mouse and click to open another page or enter another website.
Go for the smallest fonts on your cell. A 25-year-old who works in an ad agency has selected the “small fonts” option in message settings, so that he can read the SMS in one go — he is too lazy to scroll down to the next page to read the full text message.
Don’t climb down stairs. If you are on one floor and your wife is on another, call her on her mobile. It can be done even if you are on the same floor. Says Saunak Mitra, a media professional, “Sometimes I call my wife on her cell from one room to another even if we’re both at home. It’s so much better than walking up to her or screaming out. That requires a lot of energy!”
Always blow her kisses. Bob Hope found that “mighty hopelessly lazy”.
Read take-home menus carefully. “When I was working in Bahrain a couple of years ago, I really wanted to have Coke one day. But I was too lazy to go out and get a bottle from the nearby store. So I ordered for pizza because the Coke would come free,” smiles former flight attendant Natalie Pote.
Don’t go to the gym. Wiggle your toes.
Use your toes also to work the remote. Says 27-year-old Madhuja, a journalist: “My DVD remote conked off and it made me so lazy that for a month I used to lie in bed and change the buttons with my toe!” That will make you feel you are a good manager.
Invite a friend as strategy. Advertising professional Faraz Khan works really hard on this. “My remote control plays up most of the time. I am just too lazy to get up and change channels and so I invite a friend home under some pretext just to make him sit close to the TV and change channels,” he reveals. This will make you feel you are CEO.
If it gets too much, just ignore the remote. Keep looking at the screen. Staring at the TV screen with steadfast gaze fills you with a sense of deep inner peace. “My sister is too lazy to even stretch her hand to get the remote. So she just sits on the couch and watches whatever is on the screen,” laughs PR manager Namrata Ray. This means you are raising the TRP rates of several unsung programmes and inviting advertisement.
Don’t use your hands to switch off the lights. Use your brains. “The switchboards in some of our rooms are at a low level. I stretch my feet to turn on the light or fan. In rooms where the switchboard is higher than where I’m seated, I use my daughter’s playing stick to turn on the lights,” says Indrajit De, a company executive, with a grin.
If you are going out, turn off the main switch before leaving the house to avoid going to each room to check the lights and fans. You are conserving electricity. Statutory warning: Your fridge will also go off.
Avoid the bathroom. Brothers Arun and Trideep Dey are good at it. While Arun, who works in the army, is ready to admit that on a lazy day he wouldn’t step into the bathroom till his bladder is about to explode, Trideep, a researcher, refuses to shave or bathe. “It’s not just me, most men would avoid shaving if given a chance,” says Trideep on behalf of all lazy menfolk. (Men seem to have a special talent for laziness.)
Crawl under the bed to get to another part of the room. Jishnu Dasgupta, 27, finds himself doing just that. Reason: he is just too lazy to clear the dump on his bed or the floor in his room and he doesn’t high jump. So the best way to get from one side of the room to another is by crawling. Laziness is hard work.
Besides, Bertrand Russell pays a tribute to laziness. In his In Praise of Idleness, he says: “I think that there is far too much work done in the world, that immense harm is caused by the belief that work is virtuous, and that what needs to be preached in modern industrial countries is quite different from what always has been preached.”
You can read it, if you must. Do not read The Bible. It classifies Sloth as one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
And if you have been reading so far, you have it in you to be a True Lazy. You can make it!
But as Uncyclopedia warns, most importantly, don’t try too hard. Laziness, like wisdom, will come to you.
Happy Lazy Day. Yawn!
(What is your dream Lazy Day? Tell t2@abpmail.com)
Lazy Brigade
 Sir Toby Belch, the fat, lazy and nasty uncle of Olivia in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, who was often drunk. As his name suggests, he is a hedonist, and doesn’t care if the world has to bear its after-effects. But he’s clever, very clever!
He is, however, a pale shadow of Falstaff, the immortal Shakespearean creation of extra-large dimensions. He can be described as a fat, vainglorious and cowardly knight, who wouldn't mind corrupting a young prince with his partying, partying and more partying, but he is more than that. He is like life itself. In fact, larger than life.
Dagwood Bumstead, husband of Blondie, loves to sleep, anytime anywhere, and gorge on enormous sandwiches. But he is wise in his funny ways.
The man with whom Jerome K Jerome in Three Men in a Boat said he had lived once. “He would loll on the sofa and watch me doing things by the hour together, following me round the room with his eyes, wherever I went. He said it did him real good to look on at me, messing about. He said it made him feel that life was not an idle dream to be gaped and yawned through, but a noble task, full of duty and stern work. He said he often wondered now how he could have gone on before he met me, never having anybody to look at while they worked.”
Jughead the lanky dude in Archie comics who either eats or lies on the couch or does both.
Winnie the Pooh. The best-loved bear of all time, who lives “under the name of Mr Sanders”, lives for honey.
One of the laziest characters on television, Homer from The Simpsons is the stereotype of the American man with a low-paying job who is intolerant, an alcoholic, is overweight and loves doughnuts, but is quite adorable.
Kumbhakarna from Ramayana. Ravana’s brother had a monstrous appetite and slept for six months, only to wake up for a day. Then he ate everything around him. He was woken up to crush the Vanarsena, which he did to a great extent, but was killed by Rama.
Undoubtedly the most loveable cat in the world, Garfield has the word “lazy” written all over him. For him, the perfect idea of a day is just being lazy, lazy and nothing but lazy as he gorges on his favourite lasagna.
Two indolent bed-mates from the Gopal Bhaar story. One finds his back has caught fire. He complains: “Pi Pu” (Pith purchhe, my back is burning). His friend answers: “Phi Shu” (Phire sho, turn over). |
