| PROBLEM |
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I am 37 years old and married to a 42-year-old man who works
in Jamshedpur. We have a child. Recently, I had to stay in Calcutta for a few
days. On returning, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with our
maid. My father wants me to look for a job and seek divorce. My mother wants me
to forgive my husband. What should I do?
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| It is clear that your husband is unfaithful and treacherous. A man
who does not hesitate to have an affair with a maid is definitely a curse in your
life. But since you have a child, it will be prudent to first secure a suitable
job and then leave your husband. There is no question of forgiveness. |
| Srila Ghosh |
| Calcutta |
| |
| Here’s what you can do. Have an affair with your husband’s
boss. Then have him transfer your husband to some remote corner of the world! |
| |
| But, seriously, look at it this way. If, for a single act of folly on his
part, you want to give up what was probably a happy marriage, I’d say you
are being a little too harsh. And foolish. After all, boys will be boys. You were
away, he was all by himself. The maid must have been easy on the eye and easier
in bed. I think you can try and overlook this little peccadillo on your man’s
part and save the marriage. |
| Mihir Chakravarti |
| Calcutta |
| |
| An inherently corrupt man like your husband will never mend his
ways. However, you may take a chance and not seek divorce right now. Instead,
replace your present maid with an elderly one. If he still keeps in touch with
that woman, seek divorce, claiming appropriate alimony. |
| Sanjoy Dutta |
| Kalyani |
| |
| Distance and insecurity often leads a man to have an affair. Simply
sack the maid. Prudence lies in forgiving your husband for his immoral act and
securing a safe future for yourself and your child. |
| Nidhi Poddar |
| Calcutta |
| |
| It is definitely difficult to live with a husband who is sleeping
with the maid. But if you consider the importance of marriage and the importance
of parents in a child’s life, it would not be so difficult to give your husband
a second chance, provided he is ashamed of what he has done. Divorce is not the
solution. Listen to your mother’s advice. |
| Priyabrata Patra |
| Calcutta |
| |
| Forgive your husband. Think positively and realistically about the
future of your child. A divorce and a job will not help the emotional and mental
development of your child. Moreover, I don’t think your husband has committed
any crime just by having an affair with your maid. If he loves you and genuinely
repents his action, then you should forgive him. |
| Partha Pratim Dey |
| Barabazar |
| |
| I think you should forgive him. Believe me, this is not such a problem
at all. Most men would do something like this if they got the opportunity and
if they thought they could get away with it. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t
love you. Besides, the incident also shows that you need to introspect a little.
Try spending more time with your husband. |
| A.K. Jain |
| Asansol |
| |
| I don’t think you should divorce him. Your child should not
suffer for his father’s misdeeds. Don’t mar the future of your child.
It will, no doubt, be difficult for you, but it would be better to give your husband
a second chance. And most importantly, don’t spend a lot of time outside
your house when your husband is in. |
| Manish Kumar Soni |
| Howrah |
| |
| It must be shattering to discover that one’s husband is committing
adultery, and that too with a maid. It’s not difficult to fathom how angry
you must be. But your child deserves to grow up without the shadow of this appalling
scandal. For his sake, why don’t you combine the advice of both your parents?
Do take up a job, but overlook your husband’s offence just this once. If
you have an independent income, you will have more self-confidence and your husband
will not be able to take you for granted. Perhaps time will heal your wounds. |
| Surajit Banerjee |
| Calcutta |
| |
| If he repents his action, give him another chance. Divorce is not
child’s play. Human beings should adjust and compromise to a certain extent.
And that extent hasn’t been crossed yet. Your child needs a complete family.
At the same time, somewhere deep down, you still love your husband, don’t
you? So, go ahead and try to resettle things. Best of luck! |
| Ranjini Bhattacharya |
| Dum Dum |
| |
| They say, “To err is human, to forgive divine”. But for
a married man of 42 who has a child, this is an unforgivable offence. You should
forgive him on condition that he never does such a thing again. Of course, it’s
unlikely if he would have forgiven you had you done something similar. But definitely
look for a job so that you are independent. |
| Santosh Dhar |
| Guwahati |
| |
| You should not think of going for a divorce unless there is no other
option left. And before punishing anybody you should give the accused a chance
to explain things. If he is apologetic you should give him another chance. |
| |
| Falgusree Dasgupta |
| Santiniketan |
| |
| Your husband certainly deserves punishment for betraying you. Your
father is absolutely right. But ask yourself if you can live without him and bring
up your child on your own. You must find an answer to this question before taking
any step. But whatever you do, please try and find a job. Economic independence
will empower you to take the right decision. |
| Pooja Sarkar |
| Calcutta |
| |
|
expert eye
Ishita Sanyal
Consultant Psychologist
It’s a devastating experience when someone you
love, an individual with whom you have a long relationship based on trust, suddenly
proves to be unfaithful. Be strong. Take decisions from the head and not from
the heart. Do not get influenced by what others say because it is your life and
you will have to think rationally about yourself and your child, as he too will
be affected by this marital battle.
You have to rediscover yourself and analyse your relationship
too. Often, the lack of passion, intimacy and emotional and sexual satisfaction
makes one look for a new partner. However, this definitely is not an excuse to
indulge in extramarital affairs.
Here are a few important points to ponder:
Whatever decision you take, make yourself strong ?physically,
emotionally and economically.
If you are still confused about the future of this
relationship, note down the positives as well as the negatives of continuing it
before taking a decision.
Your husband needs to see that his responsibility
for his child is as important as it ever was.
Take professional help if it is needed as the future
of three people rest on one single decision.
I honestly don’t know if you will ever feel the
same way about your husband. But often, for the future of the child, one has to
think carefully before taking any drastic step.
Next month’s Response question
Readers are requested to respond to the following
problem. All answers should reach us within a fortnight and be within 150 words.
You can also e-mail us: themes@abpmail.com or, fax your answers to 033 2225 3142
2236 1208
My friend is 35, working and married with a child.
Her husband isn’t financially stable. Recently, he took a huge loan. Plus,
my friend’s in-laws, without telling her, mortgaged her jewellery. My friend’s
parents are dead but her brother feels she should leave her husband and come and
stay with him. What should she do?
S.D., Ranchi
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