Dear Miss Cupid,

I have a weird problem. I used to live in Great Britain, where I met and fell in love with this great guy. He looks really cute and is the perfect partner anyone can ask for. His only setback is that he begins to stammer when he’s emotional. But my father just doesn’t seem to understand me. As soon as he found out about my boyfriend, he sold the business and house overnight (God only knows how) and dragged us all to a village in Punjab. He is forcing me to get married to this Jat fellow'who’s not so bad but his father isn’t as cute or as much fun as my boyfriend’s. Meanwhile, all my boyfriend does, is behave like everyone’s servant and polish off free sweets. What do I do'

Impossibly passive NRI girl, A village in Punjab.

A: Well, NRI girl, you seem to have landed yourself in a typical blockbuster problem. But don’t worry, take a deep breath. Not now, whenever you are distressed. Here’s what you can do. Slip into your wedding outfit and get ready to elope. In case you get caught, tell your boyfriend to leave. And then run after him to the railway station with your dad. Meanwhile ask him to smear some ketchup all over himself. As the train begins to move, make a dash for it. Your father will take one look at your boyfriend’s red face and let you go. And when that happens, don’t look back. Who knows, your stubborn mule of a father may change his mind again!

Dear Miss Cupid,

I am in deep trouble. I am about to get married to my sister’s widower. But I am in love with his younger brother. We have been romancing right in front of our elders’ eyes all of last year, but they have turned blind it seems. Only my boyfriend’s house servant knows about us. But he can’t say anything. My boyfriend is acting like a mute moron who won’t open his mouth. Should I just marry my brother-in-law, who at least had the sensitivity of writing to me and asking if I was okay with this whole thing, although a tad late'

Dumb, not blonde, Doesn’t matter from where

A: Dear Dumb, I hope either you or your boyfriend have a dog. It would be ideal if it were a white Spitz called Tuffy. But if not, any kind will do. When the baraat comes, write a last love letter and tie it around the dog’s neck. And ask it to give it to your boyfriend. If your dog is smart, it’ll go straight to your brother-in-law and then everything will be settled. If he’s not so smart, he’ll go to your boyfriend and at least you would have communicated how you feel before you make such a huge sacrifice. And if the dog is really, really stupid, it’ll go to someone else in the crowd. And then you’ll be in even deeper shit than you are now. I must tell you that the chances of this happening are really high, but there’s nothing else you can do really. So if you don’t have a dog, buy one today!

Dear Miss Cupid, I am a dancer in a king’s court. My problem is I am in love with the prince. He’s really nice, just dresses a little weird. But that’s okay because I don’t dress like Sushmita Sen either. We have been through hell together and I’m finally getting married to him tonight. But his father is forcing me to leave him unconscious and go to my death. He’s even going to give me a rose dipped in some intoxicating liquid. I don’t want to die! What do I do' Desperate Danseuse, The King’s Court

A: Your problem is familiar. I have seen the end to it, too. Believe me, it’s not happy. So I’m going to suggest a different remedy than what I’ve seen. Here’s what you should do. Take the rose and go have a nice time with the prince; I’m sure there’ll be a lot of singing and dancing on your wedding night. And then make that fatso king smell his own rose. But please, please don’t do it yourself. Get the prince to do your dirty work. After all, what are husbands for' Once you’ve got the king all tied up, well what’s left to do after that' Live happily ever after!