GUEST OF HONOUR: Pervez Musharraf

And the prizes go to...

Before I announce the end of year prizes at the conclusion of another high achieving year for the school, I have a confession.

It saddens me that in a private conversation with me in the staff smoking room, the new chairman of governors, when sounded out on how he thought I was doing, was unkind enough to suggest I should make way for a younger, more competent headmaster. Does he not realise I am the most successful headmaster this school has ever had? His “school of the future” would send more pupils to university than to prison but parents do not judge this hallowed institution by academic performance alone. Jeffrey Archer, an old boy, is an inspiration to us all.

Like cricket Test captains who are able to detect a silver lining even after an innings defeat, I, too, am able to “take away many positives” from 2005. A sting mounted by our local television network has netted 11 teachers who have allegedly been involved in a “cash for questions” scandal. This morning, another seven names were added to the list.

It may be that some well-meaning teachers, conscious of their duty towards their pupils, allowed a few to have an early sight of GCSE and A-level examination questions. That should focus attention on the remaining teachers who are either in the clear or resourceful enough not to get caught.

Incidentally, congratulations are due to the head of physical education and our pretty new teacher for gender studies who intend to enter into a state of holy matrimony. That a man should choose a woman as his life partner instead of another man ? as has become customary ? may cause astonishment and even a little sniggering in the fifth form. But we are nothing if not a tolerant school.

I had invited many international personalities to be our chief guest this year but a relatively poor school like ours was unable to afford the “petrol for prize giving” demanded by some. However, Mr Jagat Singh has sent us a thoughtful email: “Boys and girls, work hard and above all learn a foreign language ? my Oral Arabic has been more useful than I can say.”

Some glamorous guests have failed to materialise. My chauffeur unfortunately failed to recognise Hrithik Roshan at Heathrow. The Nawab of Pataudi and Salman Khan were on their way until they spotted some deer in Windsor Great Park. Traffic police have assured me they expect to release Saif Ali Khan before the end of proceedings here.

But without further ado, let us warmly welcome our chief guest this morning, President Pervez Musharraf. He has very generously brought several truckloads of khaki uniform for distribution among the needy children of this borough.

Will you all extend a hand ? I mean this metaphorically, by the way ? to a statesman who has long left behind his military origins?

BACK TO BUSINESS: Camilla Parker

President Musharraf: “Thank you, headmaster, for the great honour you have bestowed upon a simple democrat. You will find your Pakistani mangoes are the best though I have nothing against mangoes procured from across the Line of Control. I know you have asked me to finish this address by 1400 hours sharp before we retire to the teachers’ mess for war rations. I have one word of advice for the boys and girls of this madarsa. That word is discipline. Remember the early bird catches the worm, particularly politicians. Also, a stitch in time saves nine, perhaps even keeps civilians out. Early to bed, early to rise ? and do drill. Rise and shine, especially your sturdy boots. Never leave until tomorrow anything that should be done today, such as a coup or a fine hanging. Old is gold, especially a trusted sharpshooter. A fool and his side arms are soon parted. No gap between bat and pad or your loyalty to the national flag. Salute your parents if you meet them informally in the school parade ground. Commute to school in the bus of friendship. All’s well that ends well, especially for me. Down to army brass tacks. Now, will prize winners ? children of Indian origin are guaranteed safe passage ? march to the front in smart formation? The rest of you, stand easy. Back to the headmaster commanding this school. Over and out.”

The Natwar Singh Memorial Prize for Literature: To Transworld Publishers for picking up Vikas Swarup’s Q and A, a novel written while the author was masquerading as a diplomat at the Indian High Commission in London.

Best Hindu Pupil: To HRH Prince Harry who has become brand ambassador for the swastika.

The Tom Brown Award for the most spectacular conversion in rugby: To Mohammad Yousuf, the sportsman previously known as Yousuf Youhana.

BADGE OF HONOUR: Prince Harry

Businesswoman of the Year: School matron since the end of the Second World War, Camilla Parker Bowles’s long-term stocks and shares have matured.

The Da Vinci Code Prize for Most Imaginative Fiction: Suketu Mehta for Maximum Bank Balance: Lost and Found.

Best Cricket Umpire (at least, the English think so): Pakistan’s Aleem Dar, who has an alleged proclivity for raising his finger when England are bowling and keeping it firmly down when England are batting.

The Vasili Mitrokhin Journalistic Scoop of the Year: Saddam Hussein, who revealed Western intelligence wasn’t very intelligent, couldn’t make it today but Donald Rumsfeld is here to accept the award on his behalf. Mr Rumsfeld will lead us in an extraordinary rendition of our school song, Unhappy Days Are Here Again.

The Naania Chronicles Prize for Airline Food: The strike-hit Heathrow catering firm of Gate Gourmet, whose in-flight naans were so horrible that 100,000 British Airways passengers stayed away.

TICKET TO FAME: Pakistani actor, Meera

The Rahul Gandhi Prize for Most Improved Pupil: For jumping from primary school to sixth form head boy in the space of one week, the prize goes to David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party for 2006.

The Rajiv Gandhi Bursary for Cleverest Pupil: To Manmohan Singh who has won places at both Oxford and Cambridge. We are confident one day he will win a parliamentary constituency.

The Ambani Award for Family Amity: To Mark Thatcher, who has not been able to attend school regularly ? or see his sister ? for years. I am delighted he managed to get a last minute tourist visa for the UK.

The Subhash Ghai Lifetime Achievement Award for the Arts: To Jagmohun Mundhra, the London-based film director whose forthcoming biopic, Sexy Sonia Spins Again, is tipped for Oscar glory. He collects a free ticket to a screening of any Subhash Ghai movie. The runner up, Pakistani actress Meera, toast of the Bite the Mango Film Festival in Bradford, gets two tickets.

Headmaster’s Prize: The much coveted headmaster’s prize, which is given for all-round performance, goes to the boy who has inspired more gossipy stories in The Sunday Times than even the number of dodgy deals done by Asian tycoons. Will you applaud the leader of the school steel band, Lakshmi Mittal? One of his family members has written a poem for this occasion: “Prize-giving day is so much fun,/Especially when you haven’t paid but still won,/Isn’t it wonderful to have so much money?/ Swraj Paul doesn’t think that’s at all funny.”