When Madhuri announced to her parents that she proposed to marry a young man with whom she had been at business school, the news was received with mixed feelings. On the one hand, the family was delighted that she had found someone she wanted to marry, and on the other, they were worried that he might not meet the standards they had set for their future son-in-law.

Madhuri’s parents had settled in the US, and had become American citizens, yet they had always hoped that she would marry an Indian. That she had decided to do so filled them with happiness, but also with anxiety. Was he from a ‘good’ family? Was he well-placed? Was he personable? Would he fit into their rather unorthodox family? Madhuri set their anxieties at rest. “I am sure you will approve of him,” she assured her parents.

It was a couple of months before they actually met the young man, and when they did, they found that he did indeed meet most of their criteria. He was personable, well-spoken, obviously intelligent and well-bred. But, to their consternation, he was a couple of inches shorter than Madhuri! This was a huge stumbling block! Instantly, their delight at their daughter’s engagement evaporated, replaced by a series of new worries. How would they face their family and friends? Would Madhuri not be the laughing stock of their community?

Just as tradition dictates that a man be taller than his wife, it stipulates various other criteria be followed. Convention places man in the superior and dominant position, the woman in the inferior and passive one. This means that, in an ideal match, the husband has to be not just taller but also older. He has to be better educated than his wife, and, if both work, he has to have the better paid job. So much so that parents have been known to discourage their daughters, no matter how bright, from studying to an advanced level, for fear that they might have difficulty in finding a husband better qualified! After all, it would be inconceivable for a man with a simple BA degree to marry a girl with a doctorate in microbiology!

It seems hard to believe that Madhuri’s parents, living in faraway New Jersey, and now American in most of their attitudes, could still be governed by old Indian hierarchical beliefs. But, whether they admit it or not, the truth is that the current structure of gender relationships has begun to develop cracks. More and more, people have begun to feel that the time has come to draw new lines that are more egalitarian, more flexible and less absurd. But will the traditionalists agree? And will men let them? Only time will tell.