the problem

I am a 28-year-old woman, married for two years. We live in a joint family. Over time, I got friendly with my husband’s younger brother who is as old as I am. Now, my husband is dropping hints that I should not spend too much time with my brother-in-law. But I don’t want to stop talking to him. What should I do?

Name withheld

Your husband has taken timely action and you must do your duty. Most probably your husband has not asked you to completely sever your relationship with his brother. It is the tacit responsibility of all members of a joint family to maintain decency. You can continue to talk to your brother-in-law, but keep your friendship within limits.

Hemanta Kumar Dutta
Howrah

You should ask yourself what you want: peace in your family or a friendly relationship with your brother in law. Discuss the issue with your husband and try to convince him of your view of this relationship.

S. Mukherjee
Calcutta

A married woman’s friendship with her brother-in-law is quite common in most Indian families. If your husband objects to it, then it is unfortunate. Make him understand that it’s just friendship and not a physical relationship. But if your husband fails to understand, then humour him and stop talking to your brother-in-law.

Kaushik Guha
Calcutta

Do you think your problem will be solved if you stop talking to your brother-in-law? Your husband seems to be suspicious and jealous by nature. Did your husband ever behave in such a manner earlier? If yes, continue as before. If no, the fault must be yours. Every relationship has certain limits.

Parimita Barooah Bora
Duliajan, Assam

No, you should not stop talking to your brother-in-law just because your husband is pressurising you. There is no harm in a healthy relationship with somebody. Healthy relationships help in the development of a healthy mind. Tell your husband he should not go by what others have to say about your relationship with your brother-in-law.

Tania Roy
Thakurpukur

Decide now what is important to you. I think your being friendly with your brother-in-law may create a rift between you and your husband. Don’t stop talking to your brother-in-law, but keep your friendship within its limits.

Aparna Mukherjee
Guwahati

Being a 21st-century woman, I think you are mature enough to take your own decisions. You should not abide by your husband’s words. Because if you do, then it might be assumed that your relationship with your brother-in-law was not healthy and may lead to more confrontations. If you do not resist your husband’s unreasonable requests now, you may be forced to put up with all his unfair demands later in life. I suggest you decide what is right and wrong. After all, it is your life.

Priyanka Mukherjee
Calcutta

Try to understand your husband. He is probably possessive and feels insecure. But that does not mean that you should sever all ties with your brother-in-law. Mix with your brother-in-law freely but you should know where to draw a line. Give more time to your husband. After all, he is your life partner.

Arpita Kundu
Calcutta

You have not mentioned your feelings for your brother-in-law. I suggest that you convince your husband that there’s nothing wrong in your relationship because both of you know the limits. Talk to him openly. The best thing you can do is to not forget this year’s raksha bandhan.

Rajnish Rai
Panchgram

In our society, the relationship between a sister-in-law and a brother-in-law is a funny one. Excessive friendliness and attraction towards each other can create complications. Try and understand your husband’s feelings and control the situation before it deteriorates further

Jang Bahadur Singh,
Jamshedpur

I believe you are mature enough and can take your own decisions. So, all of a sudden, why should you stop talking to your brother-in-law, especially since you share such a sweet relationship with him? Continue interacting with him and assure your husband that you and your brother-in-law share a healthy relationship.

Ritasree Banerjee
Calcutta

If your husband doesn’t want you to talk to your brother-in-law, try to find out what’s troubling him. Explain to him that you know your responsibility but you have your own likes and dislikes too. So you should have the freedom to talk to anyone you want to. But if he fails to understand, then stop talking to your brother-in-law for the sake of your marriage.

Khusbu Agarwal
Siliguri

There’s nothing wrong if you are friendly with your brother-in-law who is your age. Your husband probably does not give you enough time, and so you feel the need to talk to your brother-in-law. But you must keep this relationship on the level of friendship and nothing more than that. If it turns into physical intimacy, your marriage will fall apart.

Prasanta Kumar Ghosh
Barasat

During two years of family life, you couldn’t find friendship, emotional support and solace in your husband, but found them in his brother. This is your weakness. Maintaining a normal relationship with your brother-in-law is advised. The movie Charulata is based on a story similar to yours.

C.K. Das
Siliguri

EXPERT EYE
Kalpana Basu Mazumder
Consultant psychotherapist

Marriage is a choice you have made. What you need to do is to take responsibility for that choice and act accordingly. You have to start looking at the larger picture and build a stable, mature and harmonious relationship with your husband.

Your refusing to heed your husband’s request shows an adamant trait that is a personality weakness. Your affinity towards your brother-in-law is because you feel he has all the qualities you want in a friend. If you do a reality check, you will realise that some of these qualities are real, while the others are imagined. You will then place your friendship in the right perspective.

You need to read the subtext of your husband’s hints. His problem may be lack of trust and a feeling of insecurity. Bond with him in a way that makes him feel loved and valued. Once he feels he is the most important person in your life, he will probably not have any problem with your friendship with your brother-in-law.

The only way to understand each other is through communication. Ask him what his concerns are and talk about yours. You must be able to talk to each other and become each other’s source of support. Focussing on his strengths and underplaying his weaknesses will help you build a passionate and committed relationship with him.